The Motions

I want to use verses of an amazing song by Matthew West to give you a peek into what I've been going through recently. It's his song entitled, "The Motions." Not only is it beautifully sung, but it touches me deeply. I totally get it now, but it wasn't always that way.

"This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change"...

~Those words echo through my mind at least 100 times a day. Literally. When my husband decided almost 3 months ago that he no longer wanted our family to be knee-deep in the religious system, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I'm not going to sugar coat it--it HURT. I had all along assumed that I would forever be serving in a church building. Whether that be playing my violin with the worship team, teaching sweet little ones upstairs in the childrens' church area, or serving lunch to the homeless in a park downtown...I just thought I had it all mapped out perfectly.
I was raised in church. We dressed in our finest, attended a service every Sunday morning and Wednesday night, and it was just part of living.
It was almost as if I expected not to live anymore. My heart hurt and I was angry. Somehow, though, I knew we needed a change.

"I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something"...

~Truth be told, I DID care if I was broken. After all, I'm a sensitive woman. I did care what others thought about the decisions being made. Who were we to think we were better than others? How is it that our family felt it necessary to exit the church building but still consider ourselves part of the church? Is that even possible??
I had no answers. My heart was broken, and I cried thousands of tears. Disagreements erupted, the children were confused, and I had had it. I wanted to go back on Sunday mornings with every fiber of my being. Meanwhile, my sweet husband was becoming someone I did not understand--or even care to understand at this point. He simply told me that the Holy Spirit was moving inside of him and he could not fully explain what all was happening. He just knew in his being that staying in the religious system (a church building with a hierarchy, planned out worship/sermon time, etc) was no longer for him--or his family. He wanted more. He wanted ME to want more with him.

"Cause just okay is not enough,
Help me fight through the nothingness of life"...

~"Okay" was definitely not enough. John wanted more of the Holy Spirit and less of the world. He did not want to leave others behind (so to speak), but he just did not feel comfortable talking one way and walking another. His studies of the church of Acts and some of Paul's teachings led him down a path that was so different than anything he had experienced thus far.
Mind you, I was somewhere in between. "Just okay" was not enough for me either, but I was searching elsewhere. All the while my identity was tied up in being a part of the worship team, praying over those who showed up to the church building and thinking that it was a move of great power, and just being oblivious to the obvious. The Lord was going to get my attention one way or the other. Sometimes it's painful.

"Cause I don't wanna go through the motions,
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all consuming passion inside of me.
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
'What if I had given everything
instead of going through the motions?'"...

~John no longer wanted to go through the motions. He was fed up and tired. He just wanted his spirit to be completely consumed by the Holy Spirit, no matter what the cost. John was finished just going through the motions like a good little Christian should.
More.
He just wanted MORE.
Then it became contagious.
Once we sat down and had a nice long heart-to-heart talk about what our faith was putting our family through, it all made sense. The parts of me that missed the relationships/friendships was put at ease.
My heart and spirit could finally be at peace.
I was finally at a place where, not only did I understand, love, and respect my husband, I wanted more for myself as well. I was willing to give EVERYTHING for my Father, no matter what the cost.
Let me tell you though, it felt like He was asking for a lot from me.
I used to accuse my Father of taking away friends, family, violin playing...you name it and I was bitter about losing it. However, what John and I have found since then makes up for what I laid down 100%.
It's bittersweet....you must take up your cross and follow Him daily.
It's definitely not comfortable, and there is no exact formula for success.
You do what He asks WHEN He asks, and not a moment later.
Take the time to just be at peace with His gentle hand guiding you, and you will be amazed at what happens.

Do not get caught up in the motions. If leaving a church building, like we did, shows you the right path, then do not be afraid to step out in faith. It may seem strange. It may really hurt. But you know what? Abba is there, and if it is from Him, all things will be made right.
I just want what He wants. Nothing more, nothing less.
But I certainly no longer just want to go through the motions of the religious system.
Gone are those days...