Graciously Torn

I have no explanation for how I feel this morning, only to say that I am graciously torn.
Torn because I love those who hate me.
Gracious because God has told me to be--not because its something my flesh wants.

Some may consider me "extreme" when it comes to my spiritual beliefs, but that's okay. After all, it's my life to live--and my life only. I will not ever apologize for my convictions, and I don't expect others to apologize for theirs.

What happened in the Presidential election last night had me so worked up that I cried myself to sleep. It wasn't as simple as McCain vs. Obama--for me it went deeper. I guess after having a Christian president in office for 8 years, I got too comfortable. Now that the outlook is bleak, I'm shaken to my core.
I'm torn between wanting to panic and somehow supporting a man that I can't stand.

Melissa, you must be a gracious loser. After all, you haven't completely lost.

America is definitely in for change. I just really, really hope it's the kind of change we all NEED. I could sit here and argue politics and religion until I'm blue in the face, but what does that accomplish? Nothing. Instead, I am choosing to get up, put one foot in front of the other, and keep walking.
Even though my flesh is shaken, my spirit is not--nor is it broken. I'm not here on this earth to worry my days away about the fate of this country. God has already taken care of all of that worry, and it's my job to trust Him.

Trust Me, Melissa--I won't ever let you down. You are My beloved.

To my Christian brothers and sisters:
Let us NOT give up or give in. The man in the oval office does not run my life--the God of creation does! Stand up and step up to the challenge presented to us. Dig deeper--search for Him. He has not and will not ever abandon His children.

Whom shall I fear? Whom shall I FEAR?

Have no fear Melissa. I have worked all things for the good of those who love Me. That means ALL things. All hope is not lost, for I am still the God of this nation.

I promise myself to be gracious. This frustration in my flesh will soon disappear, and I will be able to hold my head high knowing who is on my side. I refuse to conclude that the next 4 years will be utter hell. I would never presume to know what He is thinking or doing behind the scenes.

Graciously torn.

Turn Off The Lights

Wednesday night lifegroup has always been both fun and challenging for me. I find that my toes get stepped on more often than not, but it's a good thing.
Kinda like tonight.
The topic we are studying is "Our Shield of Faith." Pretty self explanatory--basically, it's about learning how to fight in the spiritual realm. What a concept huh.
Anyway, we were discussing strongholds and how they are basically just false ideas. I'll give you an example--a young lady shared that she has an unhealthy fear of being attacked by a shark when she goes to the ocean. Her fear is so huge that she has even transferred it to her 2 young daughters. She has them as well as herself convinced that if they go swimming in the ocean, they will most certainly be mangled. She is so bound by that fear--a stronghold--that she doesn't know how to get past it. In reality, there's a greater chance of being in a car wreck on the way to take her daughters to school than there ever is of being attacked by a shark.
As I listened to the teaching about faith, fear, and strongholds, I began to identify some in my life.
Example 1:
When I was growing up, my father was a police officer (still is). My parents taught me from a young age to respect guns, but more importantly to stay far, far away from them. I was to NEVER touch my father's gun, play with guns, pick one up at a friend's house...you get the picture. I never held a gun or shot one until I was 4-5 years into my marriage. My mother (great role model and teacher that she was/is) made sure that I didn't put myself in harm's way, but at the same time, she instilled a huge fear of guns in me. I think that it was instilled in her (similar to the young woman's story from group tonight) and she knew no other way of getting her point across. I see it in my childrens' lives as well--Mimi makes it a big point for them to stay as far away as humanly possible from all guns. While I completely understand and agree with the safety factor being taught here, I also see it as a stronghold. After marrying John, who is a big hunter and fan of guns, I found that they really were not as horrible as they had been made out to be. John will allow our 2 older children to sit with him while he cleans his guns (unloaded and on safety of course), and our oldest daughter hunts deer with him. He makes it a time of learning, not of instilling fear. He wants our children (and me) to become comfortable and aware of the power of guns, but he doesn't want us to have an unhealthy fear of them.
Example 2:
About 2 years into our marriage, I began to develop a fear of being alone at night. John is a firefighter, and at the time he worked 24 hour shifts--24hrs. on, 24hrs. off--which left me and our daughter at home by ourselves. The fear didn't creep in until one night our house alarm went off at 1am for no apparent reason. The alarm company had no record of it going off, but they sent the cops out anyway when I called them. Weird situation huh. Anyway, I remember being so gripped with fear that night that I ran into the closet, found John's handgun, cocked it back, and then watched the bullet fall out of the chamber. See...if I would have KNOWN how to hold/shoot a gun, I wouldn't have accidentally lost the ammunition out of it. It's a snowball effect, I tell you. Ha! So, when the cops showed up and made sure all was well in my house, I went back to bed, but I didn't go back to sleep.
The sad thing was that this same alarm system sounded in the wee hours of the morning AGAIN about 3 months later. Again, the alarm company had no record that it had gone off, and there was no burglarer. Fear was allowed to build up a stronghold in my mind at that point. I would cringe every time John had to go to work, and I knew I would not be getting much sleep that night without him there.
When we moved to our current location and John became an officer at the fire department, it meant no more overnight stays--or so I thought. He occasionally takes overtime 24hr. shifts, so I do still sleep by myself from time to time.
Why am I telling you all of this, and how does it all piece together? Follow me here....
When we were talking about strongholds in lifegroup tonight, the light came on in my mind. I realized, for the first time in my adult life, that I had allowed strongholds to build up about guns and burglarers. I had an unhealthy fear of shooting myself, my children shooting themselves, or being robbed/assaulted while John was away and unable to protect me. I had actually put all of my faith in my husband, which is not his burden to bear. Instead, I needed to REALLY rely on my Father and His amazing ability to protect me and my family.
Here is my plan of action: I refuse to be afraid of the dark...at night...when I'm all alone. I refuse to let the fear of guns or threat of injury from them keep me bound....I will not put the burden of complete protection on my husband. I will spend some time with Him tonight--just me and Him--alone---in the dark of my bedroom--without fear. I am turning the lights out on those strongholds, and I am never allowing them access to my mind again. I will put up my shield of faith every morning, and I will make sure that my children know who their Protector is, and I will make sure I don't pass down any unhealthy views of this world.
Goodnight.

Walkin' In It

You know what? Things are rolling along very smoothly around here. The past 6 months have been very trying, and even though I've shared a few struggles on this blog with those of you out in bloggerland, I haven't by any means told everything. I believe that some struggles are meant to stay within one's family--or even within one's self. There's nothing wrong with being an open book, but sometimes my chapters are not for others to understand.
Even though I've had some disappointments recently, the good waaaaay outweighs the bad. I just hate it that I've wallowed in self pity, but then again I'm not perfect.
I actually enjoy reading other bloggers' laments--it reminds me that I'm not alone in this crazy world.
Spiritually speaking, I'm in a very easygoing place. I am totally at peace with our house situation---and yes, it has taken the entire 6 months it has been on the market for me to TRULY feel that way. I know I've said I was at peace with it before, but I was secretly holding on to frustration, anger, guilt, and much more.
I do tend to hang on to things---I call it stewing over the situation. I'm sure no one else does that. :)
Anyway, being at peace about it is a beautiful thing. I know He has amazing plans to someday present the couple to us that will own this house. Like I said in my previous post, I don't want the control of the situation back. He can keep it.
I also know that I can dwell on the negative, even though I've been taught to work through that. It's when I'm alone---in the dark---in the middle of the night. I begin to worry and think that He really can't hear me. I even get frightened that something might happen to me or my family.
Obviously that's not of Him, and I've learned to shoot it down quickly. Really taking the time to count my blessings, pray for those who are not functioning at 100% (due to illness, sin, fear, worry, etc.), asking God to bless my family and friends, giving extra grace to those who might need it today (heaven knows I need extra grace constantly), and reading His Word have really strengthened my spirit man as well as my physical man.
There is a song that I used to sing in church (I was raised Baptist) that just came to mind. I remember thinking when I was small that this was the best song I'd ever sung. Now that I am older, I appreciate it that much more. Here are the lyrics--the first paragraph is the chorus, and the following paragraphs are the verses. Maybe you've heard it?

Count Your Blessings

(CHORUS)
Count your blessings
Name them one by one
Count your blessings
See what God has done
Count your blessings
Name them one by one
Count your many blessings
See what God has done

(VERSES)
When upon life's billows
You are tempest tossed
When you are discouraged
Thinking all is lost
Count your many blessings
Name them one by one
And it will surprise you
What the Lord has done

Are you ever burdened
With a load of care
Does the cross seem heavy
You are called to bear
Count your many blessings
Every doubt will fly
And you will be singing
As the days go by

When you look at others
With their lands and gold
Think that Christ has promised
You His wealth untold
Count your many blessings
Money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven
Nor your home on high

So, amid the conflict
Whether great or small
Do not be discouraged
God is over all
Count your many blessings
Angels will attend
Help and comfort give you
To your journey's end

Let those words sink into your soul and really soak them up. After all, when life throws stuff at us that we just think we will crumble underneath, remember that He has already done so much for us--much more than we could ever repay. Of course He wants us to walk in His love and reap the benefits of being one of His children. I know I can never again look at my life and think that I have not been blessed. I'm gonna walk in all of the wonderful glory He has set aside for me.

Walk in it today.
It's a beautiful thing.

Unanswered Questions

Today was not a glorious day for me. For the first time in ages, I felt the weight of the world pressing down on my shoulders. Every inch of my brain/mind hurt as I tried to wrap it around not only my current situations, but that of the entire nation. How is it that things got so bad so quickly for Americans? What is truly the "American Dream," and are we all still chasing it?
I'm not going to point fingers at a political party, curse the current President, or burn my bras and join an anti-war protest. I simply wanted answers today, and even though I think I got some, I feel as if there will be others that are never answered.
I have had to remove myself from certain blogs lately. Even though the authors of these blogs have amazing and gut-wrenching stories, I couldn't bear to read another word. One thing these blogs have in common is that the authors have lost children, most of whom died shortly after birth. Another common thread is that all of the authors are Christians who have fought valiantly for the childrens' lives.
How is that fair, Father? How is it that I have 3 beautiful, precious, amazing children laying in their beds upstairs, and these women are crying themselves to sleep every night tormented by the fact that their cribs are empty but they are forever scarred from a c-section. How is that fair--I WANT to know.
*sigh*

I fully understand that our economic situation is looking bad (to say the least), but who is ultimately responsible for this disaster? There aren't answers. At least none that put my mind and heart at ease. Not that the sale of this house rests solely upon the economic situation (for God can do mighty things in the midst of turmoil), but it certainly doesn't help the cause. As a Christian, I guess it's just a test of faith---to see whether or not I have the guts to knock and keep on knocking--seek and keep on seeking....

On a daily basis, I struggle to comprehend some of the things He does in my life. I also have a hard time sometimes decifering if He's teaching me a lesson, working on building my faith, or just building the bigger picture one strange puzzle piece at a time. Don't get me wrong--I am not discouraged. Just....I don't know....uncomfortable.

Maybe that's where He wants me--in that strange uncomfortable zone. Whatever the outcome of this world, at least I am guaranteed an ending that is glorious beyond comprehension.
For now, I will knock and keep on knocking....you get the idea.
I will also remind myself that I gave the control to Him along time ago, and I don't want it back, no matter how hard it is to restrain myself at times. I don't want it back.

Going There

I have been convicted about the fact that I hide things--things that should be put out in the open for others to know about. So, yes---I'm going to go there now.
Miracles and healings DO still happen, I'm convinced. When Jesus left, he sent the Spirit in his place. He didn't leave and take all of the good things with him--instead, he has put it within us to continue on His work until He comes back. That's why I believe it. It also helps that I've been a witness to it.
I'll talk about just one instance right now, and I'll save the others for another post. That way we don't all feel bogged down and find ourselves sitting here writing/reading for hours. :)
Here is the instance:
For those of you who don't know my family personally, I'll give a tiny bit of background on what we are dealing with. Our 4 year old son, Christian, has had mild health issues most of his life. The doctors have never pinned down just what causes things, so we just go along with it. His main problem is swollen tonsils/adenoids. They stay huge 24/7 and he snores horribly, but when he gets sick, the swell up so large that you literally cannot see down his throat. I'm sure we have 7-8 documented cases of strep throat and/or tonsilitis, but our pediatrician has decided not to send us to an ENT just yet. We went back this past Monday because Christian was running fever and had a horrible rash. The diagnosis was Scarlet Fever. The pediatrician decided to try a different route--again, trying to avoid an appointment with an ENT. He put Christian on 2 types of steroids and Zyrtec for 5 days, and then he wants to recheck him to see if there is any change. Meanwhile, I went ahead and made an appointment with an ENT, just because my "momma gut" was telling me to do so. I basically want a 2nd opinion, just to put my mind at ease.
All of that being said, we can fast forward to last night. Christian's night time breathing hadn't improved a whole lot since Monday, so my husband had an idea as to how to expose him to prayer and worship music even while he sleeps. My husband downloaded some songs off of the internet--they are songs by a group that calls themselves the Prophetic Assault Team, and we've listened to them before...very powerful--and burned them onto a cd to play in Christian's cd player while he sleeps. Mind you, Christian is used to music at night, but it's always been instrumental lullabies.
Ok, so around 9pm last night, my husband went into our son's room and switched out the cd's, replacing the lullabies with the worship music. We then took showers, shut off the lights, and headed to bed. Around 11pm, as we laid in the dark praying, we heard Christian knocking on his bedroom door. My husband got up and found him standing in his room with the light on. Christian's complaint was that the music was turned up too loud, and also that it wasn't his "normal" music...he was quick to point out that there were people singing instead of the instrumental stuff he's used to. My husband turned down the cd player, and Christian was content with that---he laid right down again. My husband came back to bed, and all was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then.....
We heard Christian's sweet voice in our room, although he sounded a bit nervous.
"Daddy, the wind was blowing so loud in my room that it hurt my ears. And, my cd player is too loud again. Can I come sleep with you? That wind was so loud."
We just sat there, not really knowing what to say. I asked Christian to repeat what he had just said, and he did so--word for word.
My mind was filled with amazement and excitement!
My husband got up and took him back into his bedroom. Get this--the cd player had, indeed, been turned back up!!! Not by human hands of course. Christian wasn't scared. I believe he was in shock. After all, no 4 year old boy makes that kind of stuff up, especially since he was already awake--that's how I know it wasn't a dream either. My husband turned the cd player back down and left his bedroom door open, just in case he needed something again. After he returned to bed, we just laid there in the dark looking at the ceiling. A warm, amazingly comforting feeling flooded the room, and I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
I know in my knower that it was the Holy Spirit blowing through Christian's room. How am I sure of that? Well, when we got up this morning and checked on him, his breathing was perfect--no snoring or gasping like what is the norm for him.
God is doing a mighty, mighty work in Christian's little life and body. I was told to share this with the world, however possible. If it is the least bit encouraging to you, then I'm satisfied. Others may think it's a crock, but I assure you, it was NOT made up. I will update with anything that comes along further down the road with this situation, but I can rest assured that He is mightier than any illness, and He still moves among His people--like a mighty wind!

Here is an example from the Bible where disciples witnessed the Spirit in wind form:
"Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. " Acts 2:2-4

Just Do It

I had one of the coolest experiences in the past few weeks that I've ever had. God has been teaching me through songs, words from others, and instances that can't be explained.
Most of you know the story of Balaam--pronounced Bay-lum (Numbers 22-25). He was the prophet that was disobeying God, and God made his donkey speak to warn him of the angel that was set before Balaam to kill him. If that doesn't ring a bell, then please read the above chapters. I admit that I had to go back and really read those chapters just to gain understanding of what it was my Father was trying to tell me.
Remember my previous post where I said God has a thing with 3's in my life? Well, this is one of those instances. Here's how it all came together:
John and I were discussing our current housing situation--the fact that we are still trying to sell this house, and the house on Imperial that we had really wanted and were believing in went under contract (that's another post for another time)--and I casually mentioned a cat that has been sitting in the driveway of the Imperial house every time I drive by. The reason I was intrigued by the cat is because the house is vacant and has been since February. I was wondering if the cat had some significance, so I asked John if he believed that God uses animals--and if they are sensitive to the Spirit like humans are.
John's comment was, "Well, look at Balaam and his donkey in the Bible. God certainly used an animal in that situation." I made a mental note of that comment, and we continued on with our discussion. Balaam was planted in the back of my mind from that moment on.
The following day, I was visiting a dear friend at her house. We were having coffee and watching our little ones play on the floor, when I decided to tell her about the fact that house we had wanted was no longer for sale. For some reason, I casually asked her if she believed in animals being sensitive to the Spirit---this is kind of an opening question so I could relay the cat story to her as well. Her response was, "Yeah. Remember the story of Balaam?"
Wow! There was that name again! I put that second reference to him in my mental file box. I knew at this point that there was a reason his name was coming up in conversation.
Ok, so fast forward about 4 days. I was at worship practice, and we were all yakking it up on the stage after playing a song--sort of a break between songs to figure out some sound issues. For some reason (and I'm still not certain how in the world it came up), the worship leader turned around to me and said the name Balaam. It freaked me out completely. I told him that I had heard that name 2 other times this week and it was so weird that he said it. His comment was, "Well, I guess you need to go back and read that story again to see what God is trying to tell you." He was totally right.
That night, I went home and got out the laptop to read the story from esword (www.e-sword.net if you are interested in downloading it). I recommend it! Anyway, I read it---I re-read it---I read it another 2 times---and I still had no answer as to why God was pointing this man out to me. Balaam wasn't really the best prophet on the planet. Basically, King Balak summoned Balaam and wanted him to curse the Israelites, promising him money and a high position. God told him not to go. Eventually Balaam gave in to Balak's requests, saddled up his donkey, and was heading out to Balak's land when an angel of the Lord appeared in his path to stop him from going. Balaam couldn't see the angel, but his donkey could. The donkey tried to avoid the angel (who was sent to kill Balaam with a sword for his disobedience to the Lord), but each time the donkey tried to move or go a different direction, Balaam punished him. Finally, after the 3rd time of the donkey trying to avoid the angel (there it is with the number 3 again!), the Lord opened the donkey's mouth and she spoke to Balaam. Here is how it happened:
"When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD, she lay down under Balaam, and he was angry and beat her with his staff. Then the LORD opened the donkey's mouth, and she said to Balaam, "What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?" Balaam answered the donkey, "You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now." The donkey said to Balaam, "Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?"
"No," he said.
Then the LORD opened Balaam's eyes, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the road with his sword drawn. So he bowed low and fell facedown."
Numbers 22:27-31
I could not, for the life of me, figure out what that had to do with me. Was I being disobedient? Was the cat going to open it's mouth and talk to me, telling me that I was wrong about something? Was I going to be punished? All of these thoughts kept swirling in my mind. I went to bed frustrated and confused.
As I laid there in the darkness, I asked God to open my mind and explain a little better just what it was He was trying to relay to me. He brought my thoughts back to a different part of Balaam's story. I then realized it wasn't about the donkey at all. It had nothing to do with that part--He took me to the end of the story instead.
Eventually, Balaam realized the error of his ways, and he promised God that he would only speak His words--the truth--and not curse the Israelites. Balaam realized that the money and promotion was not worth losing his relationship with the Father. So, when Balak comes back and presents his requests to Balaam again, Balaam speaks only what God tells him to, even though it eventually cost him his life. You can read about that in Numbers chapter 25.
Anyway, THAT was what God was getting at when he brought Balaam to my mind. The lesson was:
There will be times of trial. The world will try to get me to do things a different way than what I know is right. I cannot give in to the world's requests. Instead, I must promise God to always speak what it is He tells me, and not have a fear of what the world will think or say. It may cost me, but it will all be worth it in the end. I must shed the coat of embarrassment and just do what He says.
It will forever amaze me how He can speak through people in my life, as well as through stories in the Bible. That is proof enough for me that His Word is true and alive, still to this day. From now on, I will not be ashamed of Him, and I will speak the truth.

Sides

I hate to take sides.
That being my main statement for the evening, I shall elaborate.
Taking sides has always made me uncomfortable. I remember as far back as elementary school--trying to make the decision as to who's side to be on in a crummy little tiff between girls. It's always a question of who is right and who is wrong, and I despise having to make that choice. Of course there are going to be times in life when it's necessary to take sides, but it's still painful.
Take the current economic situation for example. Sure, it's easy to nestle in my comfy chair that sits inside my wonderful home and say what I think regarding the decisions our President and the goverment are making.
I won't share those thoughts here, for this is not the time or the place.
The one thing I have learned is that if I position myself in the middle ground and take a look at both sides equally, I'm bound to find the truth in all of it. After all, that is what I seek--the truth.
I desperately want everyone in this world to get along, but I know as well as the next person that that isn't reality. Ultimately, there has to be responsibility placed on someone's shoulders, but who am I to decide that when it is outside of my realm. I recognize my authority here in my household and with my children (and of course there is my spiritual authority), but I can't have my way in every day-to-day situation that comes up. I choose to accept the fact that I can't micro manage the world around me, so I have to allow others to help with that. I can take responsibility for MY actions and just try to see things from a neutral perspective. I can't have higher than normal expectations of others either, for we are all human and subject to fall.
Taking sides is more than a game of who is right and who is wrong. I do not take it lightly when I have to align myself with a certain side, so I choose to do one thing---seek the truth.
The truth shall set you free.

Give Me Your Eyes

We've all heard the saying--"never judge a book by its cover"--probably 1,000 times or more in our lives. Why is it, though, that it's such a hard concept to remember? It is for me at least. Too often I find myself taking things at face value and allowing my emotional side to control how I feel about a person or situation. I judge before I know the full story.
For example:
A couple that John and I know have asked favors of us lately that really have left me frustrated. I enjoy helping others--seriously, it's what I am passionate about--but there comes a point when you can feel taken advantage of or just flat out grumpy about it. That was where I found myself today. I am a creature of habit, and when my routine is changed up without much notice it can set me off like no other.

I know, not the best "Christian attitude" to have huh. He's teaching me that.

Anyway, after talking with the wife, I was taken back by just how intense of a situation she and her husband are in. I had felt mad for the tiny bit of inconvenience they had put me through (and I mean TINY folks) and then she tells me things that I was blown away by. I was so quick to judge and let those silly emotions of anger and irritation creep in without warrant. When she asked me to pray for them, what I really wanted to do was hang my head in shame, creep to the car, and bawl the whole way home out of complete embarrassment and guilt.

Forgiveness and grace are beautiful things. It's time I start handing them out as often as I wish to receive them.

At first glance, it's almost completely impossible to know everything about any given situation. You must build relationships, love on others, dig deeper when given the opportunity, and just extend the love of the Father at all times, regardless of how much it gets you out of your comfort zone. As embarrassed as I am to type this, I actually called up another good friend of mine this morning to complain and comment on how I guess I'm "doing my Christian duties for the day."

Apparently, I have viewed God's work as too big of hassle lately.
Sheesh. That's rough.

There is a song that plays on the radio that has amazing lyrics (yes, it seems He is speaking to me through songs lately). I have come to really embrace this song and make it a prayer every morning. Whether a song has a catchy beat, lovely tune, or whatever---it's still from someone's heart and probably originated from a struggle within themselves. Read over these lyrics. Let them sink in deep, and remember to "never judge a book by its cover."

"Give me Your eyes for just one second,
Give me Your eyes so I can see,
Everything that I keep missin',
Give me Your love for humanity.

Give me Your arms for the brokenhearted,
The ones that are far beyond my reach,
Give me Your heart for the once forgotten,
Give me Your eyes so I can see."
--Brandon Heath, "Give Me Your Eyes"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OihvG607W-c

It's Just A Song...Right?

There's this song....
It's amazing in every form and fashion. It's a simple chord progression--nothing fancy. The words are simplistic yet strange. The whole thing gets stuck in your brain, ears, heart, and spirit like nothing I've ever experienced in my life.

It's just a song....right?

The song is called "How He Loves," and it's been recorded by a woman named Kim Walker (www.jesusculture.org). She has a very unique but captivating voice, and the recording is live which makes it that much more interesting. The first time I heard it was when the worship leader at our church emailed it to me. It was the youtube video of Kim W. singing it, and it swept me off of my feet. THEN, he decides that we should sing it in church. That's when the craziness began.

If you enjoy watching youtube videos and want to experience this for yourself, here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps

Anyway, the Sunday night that we practiced this song for the next Sunday's worship time, something happened....something big. For the first time in my entire 20 years of playing the violin, I was taken over. Literally. My fingers found notes that I had yet to use, I was moving with the flow of the music. The performance part of it was taken out, and all that was left was the Spirit who had complete access to my bow, fingers, instrument, and heart. From that moment on, I knew something was stirring and a new level of worship/understanding/enlightenment/awakening was coming. Excitement doesn't even begin to describe my feelings.
For the entire past week, I have had that song playing--whether it be in the car, the computer, or the ipod. It just has captivated me. I've seen things happen in the past few days that have NEVER happened before, and it has allowed me to shed the skin of embarrassment and frustration regarding my spirituality and beliefs. Honestly, I felt like I've been sitting at Jesus' feet for days upon end, not feeling the need to get up and leave--I've felt just like Mary, if you will.

It's just a song....right?

Wrong. It becomes way more than a song when the words fly off of the page and slap you in the face-no matter how simple or complex they may be. When your insides get rocked and your stomach does summersaults every time you hear the music, you know something's changing. It's a means to a new end. It's a catapult that has launched me into the next phase of my spiritual life. I feel His presence hovering over me constantly now, and I just feel so hungry for not only His words, but HIM.

This past Sunday morning, something took over. I know it was the Spirit, and that in and of itself is just amazing. A literal wave of heat burned through the sanctuary as people began praying over each other, speaking His words of encouragement to a neighbor, and much more. Those of us on the worship team were seriously feeling the burn. I was pouring sweat, and my fingers were just completely out of my control on the fingerboard of my violin. I think we played for 8-10 minutes straight.
How absolutely glorious it is when the Spirit is allowed to flow freely in a place. I won't ever be the same--that is a guarantee. Situations and things John and I have been praying about for so long are about to happen. I feel it DEEP in my bones, even more so than before.

It's just a song...right?

No, it's much more than that. It was a touch on the heart from the God--the God of Jacob who formed the earth and all that is in it. His breath was on my cheek, His fire in my soul. He was most definitely smiling, I just know it.

"There are some of you who have never encountered the love of God. Today, God wants to encounter you. He wants to encounter you. Without Him they ARE just songs, words, and instruments. Without Him we just make noise. But, His loves changes us. We are never the same---we are never the same when we encounter the love of God. Right now, if you've encountered the love of God, then you would know---because you wouldn't be the same. You would never be the same again. And, if you haven't encountered the love of God, then just brace yourselves, because He's about to blow through this place."
Kim Walker

Brewin'

I just wanted all of you to know that I am in the process of writing a post--basically it's brewin' as we speak. Don't give up on me! I have tons of thoughts and recent experiences that I'm trying to transfer from the brain to the page. Check back soon for a real post! :)

Revelations In Corinthians

The thing I desire most in my life is to please my Father. I could go the next 20 years without fashionable clothing, a big house, fine furnishings, new cars, etc., but I know that could not go another second without thinking about pleasing Him. I'm not talking about a big "song and dance routine" or being overly dramatic (I have NO tendency to do that-ha!) in order to call attention to myself during worship--stuff like that. I'm talking about getting down to the reasons why I am even here on this earth, in this body, typing on this computer.

I'm sure if you ever have been (and still are) a church-goer, then you've heard 100's of sermons on what it takes to have a great Christian walk. You know the whole spill by heart about watching your words, praying for others, staying away from sin, and following the 10 commandments. Truly, those things are all of great importance, but what are we really here for?


Are we just made to sit around, praise the Father mostly on Sundays, act kindly towards others while out in public (and at home being secretly frustrated with the lack of upward movement in our Christianity) and just waiting for Jesus' return to happen in the blink of an eye....someday....somewhere....somehow?

Or--------are we called to do more than that? Does God want us to revel in His glory with Him, spill it out like a fountain to all we meet, and grab other believers' hands and pull them along with us?


I was doing a word search on http://www.biblegateway.com/ today, and I stumbled upon a chapter of 1 Corinthians that I'm sure I've read 1,000 times, but it stuck out like a sore thumb this time. If you have time and want to truly understand where I am coming from in this post, then please go read:

1 Corinthians 14 (yes, the whole chapter--it's not long!)


To paraphrase it for those who want a cliff-notes kind of blog post, Paul is talking about the gift of prophesy. I realize that a lot of Christians are freaked out by the whole "gifts of the Spirit" concept, and I admit I used to be right there with you. Just for me, and just for a moment, let's pretend that these gifts are real and free to anyone who asks for them. Let's just say that God can speak to the common man, thus turning him into a vessel and a speaker for the nations. Perhaps God can draw anyone at anytime into the ministry without them having schooling in that area. Let's just pretend it's possible.....


And if it is, then regular-old-me could hear Him directly, and I could share a word of encouragement or instruction with someone else--on His behalf of course. Wouldn't that just rock your world?!?


News flash ladies and gentlemen, IT DOES HAPPEN. God does speak to those who choose to listen, and He is moving like He never has before. In 1 Corinthians 14, Paul's take on the gift of prophesy is that it can change the church as we know it today. Speaking in tongues (ouch-another uncomfortable but very real gift) is wonderful, and it is a way that our spirit speaks to The Spirit. Doing so is between us and Him, but when you prophesy----then you are edifying the church body--as in ALL Christians. God doesn't make mistakes when He allows us to dream certain dreams, hear certain things, or see something that we may be shocked by. It's all part of the communication process, and I know He desires to speak to us on a regular basis, not just in our "prayer closet"---that's assuming we have a prayer closet of some kind. Prophesy is speaking on His behalf to His people in their language, not in tongues.

I honestly believe more people hear from God than admit to it. I'll tell you all right now that I am a dreamer. That is how He communicates with me, and I didn't realize it until about 4 years ago. I thought I was crazy. Things that I would dream would come true--now if that doesn't freak a person out, I don't know what will! I'm not boasting or saying that to have any form of gratification, it's just the truth. My Father loves me enough to share just a teeny tiny portion of His works with me while I sleep, and I find it a pleasure to wake up in the morning and either take those words to whom they were meant for, or to spend time in prayer digesting it for myself. Guess what--He loves YOU that much too.

It's really amazing what you can hear when you REALLY listen. God doesn't want to be a gigantic mystery somewhere high above the clouds. Instead, He wants to be that still, small voice right next to your ear that whispers secrets only He and you can understand. He also wants to be your best friend, comforter, and guide. The gifts--such as prophesy--are just another way we as humans can please Him. When we use the gifts He gives us freely, and we direct them in ways that build up and edify the church body, He can't help but be pleased--and I know it makes Him smile.

The 2 E's

Many 1,000's of apologies if you are a reader of this blog and believe that I only have negative things to say when it comes to spirituality. That is not my intention by any means. Lately, I have been in a big battle and it seems to have taken its toll on me, especially with my emotions. I live an amazingly blessed life, and there is nothing---not any battle in this world---that could change that. After all, I have come from crappy circumstances (not growing up, but in my early adult years that were of my own doing) and made something from it. I have a very adoring husband who bends over backward to please me, 3 beautiful children each with a unique personality that makes me grin from ear to ear every single day, and most importantly a kind, forgiving, hugely awesome God that I could not live without.

The friends I have made and prayers I have received from readers of this blog have blessed my heart more than they (or even I) could ever know. After all, isn't that what it's all about--blessing others so that you may also be blessed? So, consider this a word from Him...for lifting me up, you are also going to be lifted up.

Here is my big desire: I want to network with more Christians, not just in my neighborhood/town/state, but elsewhere as well. I am more than certain that there are other believers out there that want to be found---and want to share their lives with me.
So, this a call to you! Please comment or say "hello" anytime--and for those who already do, THANK YOU!

Sometimes a Christian's life is a bed of roses, and other times it all comes up thorns. I have gotten great advice over the past few days/weeks about just going on--walking it out--staying strong--continuing to believe--making lemonade when life hands you lemons. All of it is great and wonderful to hear! I need encouragement like that ALWAYS, not just when things are tough. I covet your prayers and bits of wisdom. After all, hearing from God's people is what I desire the most. I know He speaks through us if we only let Him, and He can totally change my viewpoint on battles I'm in through others' words.

If you can't tell just from reading this blog, I am a very emotional person. I am constantly on a roller coaster emotionally, and it seems like I either sit at the beginning of the ride (waiting, waiting, waiting for it all to start) or at the very top of the track (you know, the point at which you look down and realize you are about to take a huge dive and it's gonna being a thriller?) most of the time. However, right now I'm climbing the track to that peak, and I am getting more and more excited with each slow movement upward.

Another thing that I must say quickly:
There is someone reading this blog that needs to hear from God. He has something to say, and He's pressing on my heart to type it:
"You need faith, that's all. Take it by the horns and wrangle it. Don't be afraid to believe in what I have told you. Respect and honor me enough to understand that I have only good planned for you, regardless of what you see in the physical. I make ALL things possible, and I won't stop until I have you right where I want you--in My hands."

Ok, so back to the emotions. I used to find it a burden to be as emotionally unstable at times as I can be. One minute I'm happy-go-lucky, the next minute I'm unraveling like a cheap pair of pantyhose. That's it though--conquering the emotions is next on my list of "to-do's." I feel like as a woman I can break or make a deal with emotions, and I don't want to be accused of doing the latter. Follow me?

Please be an encourager to others, and not expect everyone to constantly encourage you. Uplifting our fellow believers is not an option, rather a way to gain access to the blessings He has in store for me. When I'm feeling very emotional, I will assume (from now on) that it's a need in the Kingdom--that someone else is in need of a hug/word/email/etc. from me and I'll seize that opportunity to be an encourager.

I will set my focus now on the 2 E's----Encouragement and Emotions

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. " Ephesians 6:18

Another One

Had another open house today. Wasn't that great, and didn't bring in the mass of people that I had hoped for.
After all, it's Labor Day weekend--should I be at all surprised at the small numbers of house hunters?
Surprised? No.
Saddened? No.
Frustrated? No.
Let Down? Maybe a little.
Tested? Defninitely

I certainly don't believe that the sale of this house is the only way God can provide the money for our new one on the other side of town. I am still in 100% belief that that house is the "one" for us, and nothing--not even the big flop of an open house--is going to change that.
Would it be nice to wake up one morning and not only be the owner of a new casa, but the seller of another one? Yup. No lie there.

I need a new dose of peace today. I need to be reminded daily.....hourly.....every minute....that He alone is in control. As badly as I want this place to sell, I don't want it bad enough to ignore my Father's Will.

So, this is my prayer: that I would have the strength to keep on fighting, the knowledge to conquer my fears/disbeliefs/questions, the ability to rest in His hands, and the peace to know it is almost over.

"Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him."
1 Samuel 1:17

So You Want To Know?

Lately I've been asked to describe or elaborate on what I believe. It's very simple folks, but I'll outline it here quickly. Keep in mind that I can't jot down every little thing--it's much more complicated than that. Also, let me put in this disclaimer (sad that I feel I must do so)--I in no way expect for you to jump right in where I am. I do not and will not judge anyone else for their beliefs or make them feel belittled for not being in the same walk as I am in. This is simply a taste of what God has laid on my heart over the past 5 years. Yes, it took me that long to even BEGIN to figure things out, and I am by no means finished. In fact, I expect to be able to add to this list as I get deeper in my walk. Here it goes:

~Just as God created with words, I believe we can create/destroy with our words. We are, in fact, created in His image. Why wouldn't we be able to do what He does?
~Healing still takes place in today's world. I'm talking about divine healing. I am a living example of this--I've been healed twice now, and both times were instantaneous.
~Whether people choose to believe it or not, there are 2 realms--the spiritual and the physical. What happens in one realm directly affects the other.
~Contrary to popular belief, we as Christians have power--mighty, mighty power to affect the outcomes of our lives. We can speak things into existence, shut down the enemy, use prayer to battle for others' souls, etc.
~There are such things as curses---such as generational curses---and we do have the ability to stop them from affecting our children
~Prophets are real people who actually do deal with God on a regular basis. Although you must be careful to avoid false prophets, be assured that there are some out there with nothing but His works in mind (we love to hear teachings from Don Paul out of California. His website is: www.prophet.tv. At the top of his main page, you will see, in small print, the letters BTW. Click on that and it will take you to a page filled with mp3's of his teachings. AMAZING stuff I'm hear to tell you. Please wait for the BTW page to load. It may take a few extra minutes. Let me know if you end up listening to him. His power and annointing are astounding)
~The Holy Spirit is real. He lives within us and is our guide if we so choose to use Him. His help is a free gift, and if you are like me at all and you love free gifts, I would highly recommend you grab ahold of it.
~I speak in tongues. It's a holy language that is not of me, but instead flows through me as a way of communicating with the Holy Spirit and my Father without uttering a word of English. Also, I don't believe that you must have an interpreter in order to speak in tongues. After all, He created us and created all of the languages. Wouldn't you assume He understands what you are saying, even if you don't?
~I believe emotions are a spiritual radar. If I'm crabby, grumpy, distraught, frustrated, etc. then I know it's because I'm under attack. I can sense things when walking into a room, and I can instantly know when my husband is battling something, just by the look in his eyes.
~Worship is just that--WORSHIP. It's not a show, an obligation, performance, or just an emotional high. If you don't flow in the Spirit, then worship can tend to be boring, embarrassing, or down right uncomfortable. I don't care what anyone else thinks--I raise my hands to the heavens in hopes that some day He will reach His hands down and touch mine.

Ok, if I think of anything else, I'll be sure to add on later. For now, I will leave you with the verse that has been in my mind now for several days:

"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what could a man give in exchange for his soul?" Matthew 16:26-27

A Very Real Thing

Where do I begin on this one?
Hmmmm......
I think I will go with the #1 thing that's ticking me off at this very moment--depression.

So why is it that I'm fighting it off like the plague? Simple. The devil doesn't want me to rise above and make headway in anything. How selfish of him, if you ask me. But then again--what is his purpose in this life?
Depression---it has become common in today's society to suffer from this. The drug companies are making millions off of poor individuals who can't come out of the comatose state they are in because of depression. I remember feeling that same way, and I also remember being freed from it all.
Throughout high school, I suffered from depression occassionally. Episodes would start because of a break-up with a boyfriend, a bad test grade, basketball games that didn't go my way, or even just from hormones. A cycle began to develop, and I found myself falling victim to depression more often as I got older. It go so bad, in fact, that I went on prescription medication for it when my oldest child was 4. I desperately wanted everyone around me to think that I had it all together all of the time. I had a child and a husband to take care of, and someone might think I wasn't fit for those jobs if I couldn't even take care of myself. I rationalized the need for meds, and I found that I could sleep better and had more energy during the day. Let me also say that I was nursing an addiction to hydrocodone (Lortab--pain killer commonly used after surgery). I had had several surgeries in a small amount of time, so access to this drug was no problem. Combining that with the depression meds could have been lethal, but I neither knew nor cared. As long as I could pull it off, it was no big deal. Nevermind the fact that my marriage was failing miserably and I just couldn't put my finger on what was causing that. Add a severe anger problem in there, and that's a recipe for distaster.
Does that story sound familiar? Too many people (both Christians and non-Christians) can probably relate or even top it. The sad part is that I should have known better. Basically, it was a weapon formed against me that I allowed to prosper---mainly because I didn't have the knowledge or understanding to fight it.
When I re-dedicated my life to the Lord, I began to see with wide open eyes all of the destruction I was headed for if I didn't change. Somehow I got the strength to stop taking meds all together. At the time, I thought that it would kill me. Turning to the Word and mending my marriage were lifesavers, and I truly believe I conquered depression and was completely delivered from it.
So why in the world is it trying to get back in now? Well, it shows up just when I have something important going on. As I have shared in previous posts, we are in a battle for our house, family, even souls. I now have that understanding when it comes to fighting off attacks of depression, but it doesn't mean I'm completely immune to them. I believe that if I dwell on it, that gives the devil a chance to sneak in and depression stays around for way longer than it ever should.

I saw it coming a mile off this week. I knew the devil would try to use it against me. After all, it worked so many other times in the past. Why not now? I can hear him taunting me, and trying to make me believe that I still suffer from it.
Depression is such a massive blanket of feelings that you feel as though you are smothered and suffocating. Getting out of bed is a huge chore, and trying to take care of even yourself feels impossible.
Praise God I no longer feel that way, and I can lift my head up to heaven and thank Him for freeing me. I just wish that deliverance meant eternal freedom from even the small pokes and prods of it all.
Depression is a very real thing, and don't let anyone ever tell you differently. It affects you like nothing else can, and if not taken care of, it can ruin your life. No amount of sleep, food, pills, or potions will cure you---only the Great Physician can work that miracle.
Again, I guess I must be doing something right if I keep getting hit with this level of stuff. This too shall pass..........this too shall pass.

To Boldly Go Where Others Have Gone Before

I actually have been working on this post for a while now. For some reason, I haven't been able to keep a train of thought for more than a few minutes. I have known what to write for a long time, but it just hasn't come together--until now.
Something I've been struggling with lately is the fact that I ask my Father a lot of questions. Yes, believe it or not, I am big on questions--I like to stay "in the know" when it comes to my life, but He has other plans and prefers me to just let him be the captain of my ship. I have had to grow up and realize that just because I can't see the finished product and I feel lost or forgotten, it doesn't mean that in the end I lose. In fact, more often than not, I come out on the winning side.
This whole house thing has had me in suspense for 90 days (that's how long our contingent contract was for). I teeter-tottered back and forth on the idea that it was in His will---and then it wasn't. More than anything, it's been a huge faith builder. It's very easy to talk about how much faith I have in something, especially when it's all unfolding and coming together perfectly. It's another thing to really, truly, honestly believe in faith that something's going to happen when it hasn't yet, and things don't look so good from where I sit. The contract ends at midnight tonight, and the seller does not want to extend it. Basically, we are sitting ducks and it makes me very uncomfortable. I can almost hear Him saying:

"Ah, we wouldn't want Melissa to be uncomfortable, now would we? I have you where I want you---remember My promises."

All of that being said, I'm just going to have to be content with not knowing everything that's going on behind the scenes. Pass or fail, this is it--a life lesson on truly having faith no matter what. Just because the contract ends tonight doesn't mean that we've lost the house. Oh no, in fact it makes me want it and go after it that much more. Miracles can happen, and by golly I think we are up for one! :)

Another subject that's touching a nerve in me is about other people's life stories. I have 4 different blogs I read right now that are just full of drama, suspense, sadness, action...everything that would essentially make up a great book. I often find myself so engulfed in these stories that I actually physically hurt when they hurt...cry when they have been crying...you get the idea. I sit back and think, "Man, here I am talking about faith in a house, and these families are dealing with the deaths of babies or illnesses of spouses. How does that work, and is it right?" I don't wish to have their situations or carry their burdens by any means. I don't even begin to understand what it must feel like to bury you child after only a few hours of holding them. It makes me sick to think about it actually...

So, I guess, here is my point to all of that that I just wrote: Being a Christian abviously means battling through situations that arise. I have peace now knowing that my battles are just as important to God as these other families' are. Even though I'm not in a fight for my life against a disease, or trying to cope with the loss of someone close (although I have been there and it's rough), everything that I am going through is of value and will be taken care of in time. I decided it's time to take God out of the box and allow Him to work however and whenever He wants to. I can't continue to downplay my struggles by thinking that He needs to work on someone else's behalf first, just because I think they are fighting for a more worthy cause. I am reminded that He is everywhere all of the time and can handle more than one situation at a time.

I don't know what the future holds. I have no clue how the house thing is all going to play out. What I do know is I have a very capable, loving, compassionate God who wants the best for me and my family ALL of the time, not just once in a while. We are all very important to our Father, and He gathers up my tears in His hands in the same way He does for these other blogging families. I can approach His throne with the same confidence and boldness as any other believer---He won't turn me away. I couldn't be more thankful for that.

A song by Matt Redman comes to mind--Nothing But The Blood. The lyrics that I am singing as I type this are:

Your cross testifies in grace,

Tells of the Father’s heart to make a way for us,

Now boldly we approach,

Not by earthly confidence,

It’s only by Your blood.

So true. Amazing how He speaks through songs, as well as His Word. Selah

Is It Just Me?

So many times I ask myself, "Is it just me?" when I'm going through difficult situations, trials, etc. I often feel like it IS just me and no one else has ever or will ever experience anything like it.
NOT TRUE.

Apparently, the devil is not picky choosy when it comes to who he frustrates, irritates, messes with, or picks on. Honestly, it's a great feeling to know that I'm not alone. Lately, I have been hearing story after story from friends about how they are fighting just one thing after another. The only thing I can think to say is we must be doing something right!

I know that the major lessons to learn through trials are perserverance, patience, love, understanding....the list could go on and on here. However, when you are in the midst of them, it doesn't feel that way, and often you can lose sight of the lesson.
As for me, I am still in the middle of spiritual battles (and hope to always be, otherwise I am useless in the kingdom), but I can safely say I know there is always a solution---a light at the end of the tunnel. The best thing I can do is to not focus on what emotions my battles are causing me. Instead, I can become that encourager for a friend. I can give the old "keep your head up, this is just a trial period in your life" speech if I so choose, but I really want others to know that it isn't just fancy words to help you get through. These times ARE just temporary. We CAN keep our heads up and press forward. We do have other choices, but what would that accomplish?

I once heard it said by a pastor at one of the churches we used to go to, that unless we learn the lesson or understand the situation we are presented with, we will continue to go around the mountain until we do (paraphrase). Basically, it's better to keep fighting and win rather than give up and have to repeat the process later. And, if in the event you must repeat the process, it becomes that much more difficult to conquer.

Really that has been the biggest lesson I have learned in the past 4 years---finish what you start when it comes to spiritual warfare. Use the knowledge and power that the Spirit has given you and go forward. Don't give up and make it harder on yourself later.

If you are one of those Christians that has an understanding of a situation that a brother or sister is going through, USE it to give them a boost of confidence and reassurance that they are not alone.

It isn't JUST me, it isn't JUST you. We are not alone.

"Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." James 5:10-11

A Tiny Seed And The Heart

Hello blog family! I truly hope you are all having a blessed week and have experienced "something heavenly" already today. Personally, I try to find any excuse to have an encounter with my Father on a daily basis. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it gets pushed to the background. Sadly, life tends to interfere every now and then--but the great news is that He never changes!
Honestly, I can't believe I'm up at 10:30pm (CST) writing this. John and I got home from our Wednesday night group (church small group), put the children to bed, took showers, and were all cozy and on the edge of sleep when God pulled me out of bed and told me to go back downstairs and reboot the computer. Funny how He does that at crazy times huh. Anyway, I have had a lot on my plate already this week, and I think the point of dragging me out of bed was to remind me that I hadn't spent my quality time with Him today. Yes, I had gone to group and had a great time discussing "faith and the power of words" with fellow believers, but I hadn't had my 1-on-1 time. So, although I have a pretty clear idea as to where I want to go with this post, please forgive any ramblings.
Something caught my attention in group this evening--a passage from a handout we received from the group leader. Here is the passage:
"Some people try to operate the law of faith in their head--that is called mental assent, but faith works in the heart. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness. You can't believe with your head what you can't believe with your heart." -Charles Capps
I had sort of an "ah ha" moment when I read that. So that's the problem is it? I tend to try to put the faith thing into action in my mind. Yes, I have faith in my heart about things, but I admit it's been hard to pinpoint just why I've been struggling with faith in general. Gotta get it outa my head and keep it in my heart. Yes!
I think I've hammered the "faith thing" a lot lately, but it's what's been consuming all of my thoughts and time lately. I want a faith testimony that shakes the foundations of the worlds, both spiritual and physical. I want the devil to shreek everytime I wake up and my feet hit the ground--I want him to think, "great, SHE'S up again!" Isn't that what it's really all about?
In the teachings of Don Paul (www.prophet.tv), I heard something else that caught my attention. He was speaking about the way the devil/demons see us in the spiritual world. Most people (Christians and non-Christians) look like black blobs, wandering around doing daily activities--not really posing a threat. However, when a believer begins to take his/her authority in the spiritual realm and starts fighting back, they turn from black to white and are highly visible, thus becoming threats. Have you ever noticed that when you are walking in the light of a situation and beginning to REALLY fight, you seem to get hit over and over again with stuff that either hasn't bothered you in a long time, or that just comes out of nowhere? There you have it my friend. You have more than likely come up on the "demon radar" and are posing a threat. I like to let that mull around in my brain--to think that I'm coming up on their radar more and more is kind of fun. My thoughts go to, "let's see how hard I can hit them today!"
These two topics (faith and fighting) are intertwined, so to speak. When I begin having more and more faith that He is working in my life, I start to fight harder against the attacks. Something else I heard one time (and can't for the life of me think who said it)is this--when we get to heaven and finally get to see the devil, we are going to be so unimpressed with just how small he really is. We are going to think, "man, I can't believe THAT was what was giving me so much grief all the time." So true.
When I was a young girl, probably 7-8 years old, my parents gave me a necklace. It was gold and had a little glass heart. Inside the glass heart was a tiny mustard seed. Next to the heart was a little piece of gold--it was made to look like a piece of paper with writing on it. It said, "the faith of a mustard seed." I wore that thing around all the time, and I really wish I knew where it was now. For some reason, that little necklace comes to mind often. I remember thinking that I really had no idea what it meant, and that a mustard seed was a strange thing to put in a glass heart for a necklace. Nevertheless, I still wore it proudly. I also can't count how many times I have heard the scripture about the mustard seed:
"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
Matthew 17:20
Now I truly understand what this passage means, and why it's so important to grasp this concept. God would never lie, so if He says that nothing will be impossible for me if I just have faith (in my heart), then I believe it!
So what are you believing for? I'm sure plenty of you have had the same questions, struggles, and concerns with faith that I have had. Bottom line---it's a heart matter. If you completely, totally, 100% give your heart over to Him and the things of His kingdom, nothing is impossible. I can't wait to see it happen!

Let's Keep It Simple

Something I've really been mulling over for the past week is how to convey to people what I believe--but at the same time, keep it amazingly simple. Generally speaking, Christians have an enormous fear of sharing their faith with non-believers. Honestly, I haven't ever seen it as my mission to go "Jesus-jam" others with a fanatic belief system that will have them falling on their knees and repenting within seconds of talking to me. The way I want others to come to Jesus is by seeing my life--the way I live it--and then finding themselves wanting what I have.
I recently found myself in a group setting with believers as well as non-believers. The topic was gaining our spiritual athority, but it somehow got off on a rabbit trail about the ten commandments, following all of the laws and stipulations, using the Bible as a filter for our lives, casting out demons, etc. For any non-believer (and some believers!) that can be completely overwhelming. I found myself literally hurting for those who were left so far behind--some were still hovering in the beginning of the whole conversation. After all, it felt like the Bible was being presented as a big book of "no-nos, don't dos, stay away froms, and thou shalt nots." Not a good way to shine His light in the dark if you ask me.
How is it that we are supposed to want others to live a glorified, spirit-filled, wonderful life when all they see or hear is a bunch of religious, law-following nonsense?
Here is how I feel about it in a nutshell: I believe in the one true God--that there are 3 parts to him--Father, Son, Holy Spirit. If I choose to allow the Holy Spirit to speak to me and through me, then I have no choice but to follow the ten commandments. It's not about living under condemnation or the law (Jesus came to fullfill the law, thus allowing grace to take over), it's about doing what God asks of me. It's not about a formula for success with tithing or giving. It's about listening to what He has to say and directing the money He gives me to the places where it can be used the most--by Him. It isn't about being a Bible beater--one that sits on a street corner and screams to the public that they are all going to hell if they don't repent right now. It's about forming relationships and showing the love of the Father at all times, even when it isn't easy. I want to lift up a voice (or in my case an instrument as well) of praise to Him who supplies all of my needs AND wants. It's about trusting that He has a better plan for my life than I do, even when things aren't going the best.
I don't think it can be any simpler than that. Of course, as you become a more mature Christian, you will figure things out and be able to take territories, cast out demons, etc. That is revealed with time, understanding, and knowledge. Yes, I believe that those are great benefits to being His child, but that isn't for everyone to grasp--especially when what they are seeking is answers and love. Basically what I'm saying is that I'm tired of non-believers running from Christians because of the massive amount of crap we put on them and not only expect them to believe, but to swallow at once. Can't we just keep it simple?

Of all things, I want to share this with those who want to know what the best way to live is:

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:36-40

War Of The Worlds

When I was younger (late teens, early twenties) I feared war movies. I hated anything bloody and yucky. Of course, those were the movies that my darling husband wanted to watch. I remember being 6 months pregnant with my oldest child, Caitlin, and sitting in the movie theatre, hands over eyes, attempting to watch Saving Private Ryan. Needless to say, it was a huge no-go. I ended up in the bathroom with a sick stomach and blinding headache.
Amazingly over time, I have grown--dare I say comfortable?--with war movies in general. I even let the hubby rent one from time to time and I will watch it with him. I can't say that I thuroughly enjoy them as he does, but I do find myself interested in the plots.
The one main thing that I have dealt with as it relates to war movies is fear. I found myself playing the role of the soldier's widow. My mind races at an amazing pace as I live this "other" life where John is a soldier, we are back in Vietnam War times, I am bawling at the loss of my husband, and I am left alone with 5 small children. Or, we are in present times and it's more like an "end of the world" war where he and I are both killed. Morbid, yes. Honestly, I think that's why I have had this unhealthy fear of war movies. I actually believe it goes deeper than the surface with this matter.
While listening to Don Paul's Building The Warrior Series (www.prophet.tv) on my i-pod during my workout yesterday, I grabbed ahold of something he said. Basically, he was talking about how to fight in the spiritual realm and break through on things like finances. That in itself was an interesting lesson, but I got more out of it than that. He made a comment that dealt with death. He said (paraphrasing here)---until we show the devil that we are not worried about losing our lives, he will continue to pelt us with fear and much more. Once we let him know we no longer fear that, he will flee and be terrified. For some reason, that just hit home and made so much sense to me. I realized I have had this unhealthy fear of losing my life--or even of John losing his life--that it has caused me great worry and frustration. Somehow, watching war movies heightened that and brought it to the front of my mind. The devil knew exactly what it would take to make me fret over this for days--even weeks--after watching a war movie, and he used it to his advantage every time.
This brings me to last night. We rented We Were Soldiers and watched it. I can honestly say that for the first time in my history of existence, I was not afraid. My mind did try to wander off and play the role of the grieving widow, but I stopped it dead in its tracks.

I can hear the devil shreeking in fear as I type this.

Anywho, it reminded me that I can take this way further than just the times I watch war movies. I am in a war right now--not a physical one, but a spiritual one. Now that the devil knows that I don't fear losing my physical life, he is definitely in trouble. I am ready to push forward and take more territory in His name.

Take that, devil....take that.

War is no longer something I fear, dread, worry about, or hide from. Oh no. It's something I want to embrace. This war in the spiritual world is exciting and adventurous, and I want to be totally prepared for it. Stay tuned for more on that...

~I Need~

I need:

~others to be patient with me

~extra grace on days when the sun isn't shining the brightest at our house

~friends who not only know me, but care about my feelings and desires

~a lesson on being more loving towards others who are not so lovable

~a kiss from my husband every morning and a hug from each child every night

~a good book to read when the computer and television start taking up too much of my time

~a smile from a stranger--at least once in a while

~a date night

~a small getaway with other women who share in my faith walk

~a chance to use my imagination and not feel stupid for doing so

~not to worry about the future, but embrace it and prepare for it

~hope, faith, knowledge, and understanding

~a hot bath that can last longer than 5 minutes

~a visit from an angel (sometime in my life, I would just love to meet one. come to think of it, I probably already have and didn't know it)

~silence

~to see the true beauty in others and not be envious, but praise God for all of our differences

~a miracle that will knock my socks off and blow me away (don't know what that is yet)

~good food and time with extended family

~laughter and play

~to get down on my knees, put my face to the floor, and come to the realization that I really don't "need" anything but the love of the Father, and to share that love with others

Deep Down

I am experiencing an exhaustion in life at this very moment that is deep down--all the way into my bones. Ok, I think it's actually deeper than that. It's not the fact that I am typing this at 11pm. It has nothing to do with having 2 extra children in our house today and tomorrow. I haven't strained myself at the gym, nor have I gotten any less than 8 hours of sleep a night for about a year now. This is an exhaustion that comes from so deep down that it's truly impossible to pinpoint or even correctly describe to someone who has not experienced it.
As I sit here and draw in a massive deep breath, I try to figure out just when this all started. I flip through the rolodex of my mind and think about this month's events.....last month's......up to 5 months ago. Where did I go wrong? How did I let this exhaustion creep in? I seriously thought I had my guard up this whole time. *looking from side to side for an access point*
Wait a minute. A thought just struck me---what if this is from actually doing something right (heaven forbid)? John and I have been plowing and moving like crazy these past few months. I have had to stay on top of every word, movement, thought, gesture, etc. I have actually had prayer sessions that have rocked my world. The Spirit is moving, flowing, guiding.....
Maybe that's it! This exhaustion is a good thing-a test of sorts.
I remember seeing something as a child that is popping into my mind right now. It was on a cartoon--a man, walking through the desert. He was dressed poorly, head wrapped with what was left of his shirt to keep the heat off and cool in, no shoes, pants torn and made into shorts, unshaven face, leathery skin, parched lips...you get the picture right? He's holding a hand out as he drags his body through the blowing sand..he's yelling,"Waaaater. Waaaaater. Water!"
That is exactly how I feel. I see myself dragging my body through each day with my hand reaching out to Him. I'm thirsty and weak, and it's from fighting so hard just to make each day better than the next. My exhaustion is from the heavy combat, and that's a good thing.
You know, it has definitely taught me something---something I want to remember when He gives me the time of refreshing that I am so thirsty for. I want to crave Him, seek Him, and hold my hand out to Him even when I'm feeling my best. Whether tired or refreshed, I want my Father's Will in my life, not my own.
This ache even beneath my bones is wonderful, and I thank Him for it. Selah

"Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." Psalm 107:8-9

Play On

On the way home this evening, I found my radio station tuned to classical music. As I turned the volume up, a song that I have loved for years flowed through the car.
Ahhhh, the Bach Double (Violin Concerto in D Minor). It was pure bliss as I began to feel my fingers moving with the notes. They ached to play it again, but they will never do so as they did back in the day. Why you might ask? It's very simple, yet very sad.
When performing the Bach Double, you must have a partner. The song is a conglomeration of two violinists with their fingers running the fingerboard in various exciting and dramatic ways. The song sounds terrible unless the two partners are totally in sync. I was in sync with my partner, Renee Hall, when we performed it for the Greater Southwest Music Festival ( was 16, she was 15)--we earned a 1, a high award, for our performance. It took roughly 6 months of painstaking practice and listening. Renee and I spent hours rehearsing in Mrs. Gibbins' studio. Those were the days when I played for fun.
This brings me to why I won't perform the Bach Double again--or at least anytime soon.
On August 4, 2007, Renee (Hall) Ramsey died tragically in a car accident while driving to a vacation spot with her family. She and I shared the same passion for violin music. Even though our styles of playing were very different, we connected on a level that was just right. I feel a heaviness in my chest when I think about her not being on this earth anymore. After all, she was only 25 years old when she died.
Her death is actually the way God brought me out of my "violin depression." I stopped studying under Mrs. Gibbins when I was 17 (right before I got married--and Renee had moved to Nebraska), and I preceeded to stuff my violin in a closet and refuse to pick it up. At that point in my life, I had nothing to play for--no one to listen. That's what I thought anyway.
Upon hearing of her death, I was immediately drawn to the closet where my violin sat. I picked it up and played piece after piece after piece. I think I went through all 7 Suzuki books in one evening. The amazing thing was that after 9 years, it all flowed like I had practiced it yesterday. Roughly 3 months after that, the worship leader of Plum Creek Fellowship (our church now) called and invited me to play on the worship team there. I was amazed to say the least.
God knew what it would take to pull me from my self pity. Not that I'm saying Renee's death was for that very reason, but it was a catalyst. Deep in my soul, I had been longing to play for my Father that whole 9 years that the violin was tucked away. He knew that too. What I didn't realize was that His heart was longing to hear what I had to play. He was my audience, and with Him, all music was possible. I may not ever perform the Bach Double again in this life, but I'm okay with that. After all, the One who gave me the talent to play, the music to perform, and the heart to put it all together is just a whisper away.
I can hear Him saying, "Play on, Melissa .............play on.

"The LORD will save me, and we will sing with stringed instruments all the days of our lives in the temple of the LORD." Isaiah 38:20

Pass The Bar Of Soap

If you have not seen the movie, "A Christmas Story," then you won't know what this picture is about. Allow me to explain: Ralph, the main character, came home from school and uttered a curse word to his mother. He then found himself in the bathroom with a bar of soap in his mouth. Fun stuff I'm sure.
For some reason, I have really struggled with "not so nice" words leaking out lately. I have certainly tried to stay on top of ALL words since having children, but occassionally I find myself saying something I regret. Curse words are such a frustration to me. I know people that can't seem to keep from inserting one in every sentence, and I remember how I used to be just like that. I had a huge potty mouth--I'm sure I would have put some sailors to shame. However, when I decided to change my life and everything about it, I not only made a point to stop using curse words, but I no longer had the desire to do so.
That's the frustration point. I know in my knower that I no longer have the desire to use those words. Then, out of nowhere, I will be in a situaton that gets a bit heated and I let one loose.
Ack!
Next thing I know, I am in a similar situation later on and 2 or 3 curse words come out.
Double ack!
With my focus on so many other things right now, I've apparently let this issue slide. That's not an excuse, only the truth. Here is what I want to focus on for this week--I want to take a much closer look at my words. I have to stay on track and not let any weapon formed against me prosper. It's time to pick up that "spiritual bar of soap" and clean out the potty mouth. I want my children to only hear words of peace, blessing, honor, and love coming out of this mouth. Three verses came to mind while writing this:

1. "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water." James 3:9-12

2. "Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days,
keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies." Psalm 34:12-13

3. "You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. " Psalm 139:3-4

You know, it really does feel much better to get it all out and admit when I'm wrong. It's hard to even write about issues such as cursing, but in the grand scheme of things, I see it as just another way the devil tries to make me stumble and fall. I'm so very thankful I can run to His Word and find verses that help me deal with this kind of issue. I feel encouraged, uplifted, and best of all---free.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

There are so many times during the day that I feel like the Little Engine That Could...chugging right along down the track when suddenly I come up to a hill......no.......a mountain! I have to put all of my effort and engine power into climbing that mountain.
One little bitty step at a time.
All the while I have to keep telling myself that I CAN conquer it. I do find myself having to repeat that over and over at times just to keep my momentum going. I can see the peak--I'm almost there.
Today, we show our house for the 7th time (not counting the open house last month). To me, that just doesn't seem like enough lookers. Granted, the market is supposedly super slow right now, but I just don't believe that's the way it has to be for us. Some would say we are foolish for hoping for a quick sale. This is my mountain. I feel like it is taking all of my faith, breath, hope, prayers, etc. to get this house sold. I constantly say we are not in a hurry to sell, but I sure am in a hurry to get into my new house. I haven't, even for a single moment, thought that this wasn't the right choice. We are definitely on the right track. We're making headway, I can tell. The right buyers are just at the top of this mountain--I can faintly see them. Yes, there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
I have to stay firm, continue to push forward, give my little engine a good talking-to about not running out of power, and it will somehow work out. I know it will. I am confident in His Word that it will. I want to make sure I keep my eyes focused on Him. Just a little bit of the mountain left to conquer. I think I can, I think I can....

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Give It All Up

When I was in my quiet time today, I asked the Father to reveal a story to me out of the Bible that would bring about a greater understanding of His Word and help me fix anything in my own life that wasn't working correctly. He took me to the book of 1 Samuel and to a section of the story of King Saul. If you don't know the whole background of Saul, I encourage you to read 1 Samuel chapters 9-31 (I use New King James Version). I know that sounds like a lot to read, but it really goes into depth about the subject I am addressing today, as well as much more of Saul's life.
During Saul's reign, the Lord came to him and instructed him to attack a city called Amalek and kill all men, women, children, and livestock. He wanted to Saul to spare nothing, for this was His judgement upon this land for the wrongdoings they had done to Israel (Chapter 15). Saul went in and attacked, but took the best of the livestock, the king (Agag), and all that he considered good. He refused to utterly distroy everything, thus disobeying the Lord. The prophet Samuel came to Saul the next day and asked him why he didn't destroy everything as he had been instructed to do. In Saul's mind, he had done nothing wrong. He had gone on the mission that the Lord had sent him on, and he killed the people. From the text, it seems that Saul doesn't see his mistakes and disobedience. He thought that by allowing his people to take the best of the livestock for sacrifices, as well as bringing home King Agag as a prisoner, he had done an honorable thing. Samuel had this to say:
"Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices,
As in obeying the voice of the Lord?
Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice,
And to heed than the fat of rams."
1 Samuel 15:22
The Lord was so displeased with Saul that he rejected him from being king from this point on. As you read further, you will see that this is how the stage was set for David to become king. Throughout the rest of the book of 1 Samuel, you see Saul struggling to maintain his position as king, even though the Lord had left him and was now with David.
I was being shown through this story that if I continue to hold anything---anything at all back from my Father, His plans for me will be stunted. If I want to stay in the full blessing, I must give it ALL up. Since Saul was stubborn and refused to completely obey what God had told him to do, he paid dearly. Who knows how great of a king Saul could have been? The difference between he and David was this: David was a man after God's own heart. Whatever God asked of him, he did. He was not perfect and made many mistakes. In the end, he wanted for his life what the Father wanted. Saul, on the other hand, thought that he knew better than God. He thought that by being rebellious and trying to work things out for his own good, he would prosper. Unfortunately, that didn't happen and it went the complete opposite direction.
What I am saying is this: I want to be like David, not Saul. I'm not in the running to be the next king, but I do want God's favor upon my life. I must sit down and be completely honest about everything. I must be willing to go in and destroy all bad things within myself--allow God to "clean house." If I hold just one area of my life back from him (picture a little kid with a toy hidden behind his back that he doesn't want his momma to see), then I am in big trouble. The sad part is that I will have brought about my own distruction by doing so. Giving it all up is a great thing. It's the most freeing thing I can do, and it shows who I put my trust in.

Mad

I just want to get it out there---I was very mad at God today. So mad, in fact, that I yelled, cried, and pitched a very big 3-year-old fit. I know that everyone at some point in their life feels just like doing that. After all, being angry is a natural feeling from time to time.
I guess I was just letting go of weeks of frustration. It boils down to this: I trust God with all of my heart, mind, and soul. I know He has my life in His hands and He won't disappoint me. It's just that He's been silent. I don't know if it's my life that's too loud or what. I just need a volume button so I can crank His signal up a bit.
John and I have several fires going at once right now. I wouldn't call them worries, just big things we are hoping for and believing in. I think it's during these times when we feel so focused on His Will for our lives that we sometimes fall victim to not hearing what He has to say. Maybe it's called being too focused and having tunnel vision.
Please excuse the ramblings. I just can't quite put my finger on why I was so mad. I truly believe that anger is a valid feeling--after all, in the Bible God got angry quite a bit. Since we are made in His image, we are bound to have the same feelings He does. I guess what I'm craving is answers. Answers to questions about finances, houses, relationships, futures....the list can go on and on. I want to think that He and I have such a good relationship that I can hear when He tells me important things. I no longer want to have the worries of a day-to-day existence. I want more. I want Him to give me at least a peek into why I am on this earth--a direction to be heading in. I believe that there IS a bigger purpose for me, and that what I am doing on a daily basis is just part of a more grand scheme.
I got over being mad fairly quickly. I was left feeling peaceful and relaxed, as strange as that sounds. John reassured me that it was okay to be frustrated and mad at God, as long as it didn't last very long. He said that he was sure God heard me and was thankful that I was honest with Him about my feelings. The one point I have been taught about being mad is that I should always resolve the issues quickly and never harbor it. God wants us to be fully honest with Him in all situations, not just when everything is rosy and happy. After ridding my body, mind, and soul of the anger, I must pick up my cross and continue to carry it. Only in that is there relief. He is wonderful, glorious, and faithful no matter what I think and no matter how mad I may get. Selah


"In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." Ephesians 4:26-27

I'm Not Complaining

I am starting something tomorrow. No more complaining. I know that may be funny sounding, but it's the truth. I'm quite frankly tired of complaining to John, friends, family, the kids, etc. Here are my reasons for stopping the petty complaints:
1. I am a child of the Most High
2. I live in America and am totally free
3. I am 100% healthy
4. I am married to an amazing man of God who makes it possible for me to stay at home with our children everyday and do things at my leisure
5. I have 3 adorable children who are all healthy and happy
6. I live in a wonderful house and drive a nice car
7. My pantry and fridge are full at all times
8. I have money to buy what I need and occasionally what I want
9. There are plenty of clothes in our closets
10. I can sit under the air conditioner when it's hot and the heater when it's cold
11. I can take nice hot soaking baths
12. I have health insurance and dental insurance
13. My family lives close by
14. I have a wonderful church home
15. I have this computer to type on

I'm sure there is much more that I didn't include, but you get the picture. I decided that it's time to put ME aside and get more of HIM in my life. The sooner I can do that, the faster I can begin to give more to others. I became extremely embarrassed tonight when I thought about all of the time I have wasted complaining. What good does it do? None. In fact, it hurts my soul--deep down. I really want to radiate happiness, love, and peace---not look like I am harboring things that would give me a reason to throw a pity party. I challenge you to join me. Try it for 5....10....30....60 days and see what happens. Make a conscious effort to rid your life of complaints and give the Father a chance to work within you. I know I'm looking forward to it.

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe..." Philippians 2:14-15