Deep Down

I am experiencing an exhaustion in life at this very moment that is deep down--all the way into my bones. Ok, I think it's actually deeper than that. It's not the fact that I am typing this at 11pm. It has nothing to do with having 2 extra children in our house today and tomorrow. I haven't strained myself at the gym, nor have I gotten any less than 8 hours of sleep a night for about a year now. This is an exhaustion that comes from so deep down that it's truly impossible to pinpoint or even correctly describe to someone who has not experienced it.
As I sit here and draw in a massive deep breath, I try to figure out just when this all started. I flip through the rolodex of my mind and think about this month's events.....last month's......up to 5 months ago. Where did I go wrong? How did I let this exhaustion creep in? I seriously thought I had my guard up this whole time. *looking from side to side for an access point*
Wait a minute. A thought just struck me---what if this is from actually doing something right (heaven forbid)? John and I have been plowing and moving like crazy these past few months. I have had to stay on top of every word, movement, thought, gesture, etc. I have actually had prayer sessions that have rocked my world. The Spirit is moving, flowing, guiding.....
Maybe that's it! This exhaustion is a good thing-a test of sorts.
I remember seeing something as a child that is popping into my mind right now. It was on a cartoon--a man, walking through the desert. He was dressed poorly, head wrapped with what was left of his shirt to keep the heat off and cool in, no shoes, pants torn and made into shorts, unshaven face, leathery skin, parched lips...you get the picture right? He's holding a hand out as he drags his body through the blowing sand..he's yelling,"Waaaater. Waaaaater. Water!"
That is exactly how I feel. I see myself dragging my body through each day with my hand reaching out to Him. I'm thirsty and weak, and it's from fighting so hard just to make each day better than the next. My exhaustion is from the heavy combat, and that's a good thing.
You know, it has definitely taught me something---something I want to remember when He gives me the time of refreshing that I am so thirsty for. I want to crave Him, seek Him, and hold my hand out to Him even when I'm feeling my best. Whether tired or refreshed, I want my Father's Will in my life, not my own.
This ache even beneath my bones is wonderful, and I thank Him for it. Selah

"Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." Psalm 107:8-9