The Point Is

What exactly IS the whole point of a Christ follower's life?

I've asked myself that question so much lately.

I definitely DO NOT want to grieve the Holy Spirit. I want Him in everything I do.
So what's the point of it all?

Gracefully, I tread through the mundane chores and expectations of everyday life. I desire the latest fashions, change my hairstyle to go with the flow, drive here and there, fix this and that, talk to him and her. I look for Jesus in everyone's face, pray that I can be vessel used for His glory, and just hope that someday--somewhere--somehow--He will use me in a mighty way. It's hard, folks....HARD to be a Christ follower. There are so many expectations and rules that we "must" follow in order to be perfect enough to be scrutinized. If our lives aren't under microscopes, then we aren't truly living for Him. If we make a wrong choice, say a harsh word, or give an irrational excuse for actions, then we are considered a fraud.
And the point is?

My point is, I can do nothing more than what I am doing right now. I HAVE to listen to Him. As far as I'm concerned, there's no other choice. I want to feel as though I am able to just go with the flow. If He tells me to go somewhere, I'll pack up and go.

Life is most definitely too short to be lukewarm. I want to someday stand before my Father and not have to explain to Him why I never laid down my life and picked up my cross. I don't want to stand ashamed....wishing I would have JUST LISTENED to the sweet nudging of the Spirit.

I want to feed the homeless, give money to those in need, provide a safe haven for family and friends where ALL feel welcome to just come hang out, and be a friend that knows when to be silent and when to speak. I refuse to waste my time worrying about petty "religious" hangups, like who is right or wrong when it comes to today's Church. I may not always agree, but it's not for me to stress about.
Each day brings stress of its own--no need for me to go out and look for trouble.

~If you know you're loved by the King, then live for Him.

That's the point.

When All Is Said And Done

"Life's too short to be lukewarm,
This I know, this I know.
Jesus you can have it all,
My every breath, my every breath.

I need your power to live this life,
This I know, this I know.
I can't do this by myself,
You're Christ in me,
My only hope, my only hope.

As I walk this broken world,
Tune my life to heaven's song,
For I am Yours.
And when all is said and done,
Tune my life to heaven's song,
Forevermore."

~"When All Is Said And Done" by Matt Redman on his Beautiful News Album
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I have songs like this just randomly pop into my head throughout the day. It's never when I expect it, either. He seems to know just when to speak to me.
For instance, this song came to me as I was responding to a post on Facebook.

~You have amazing timing, Lord. Seriously.

Anyway, the words are exactly what I have been thinking lately. This song is one we played when I was on the worship team, and it's one of my favorites.
Somehow, though, I'd forgotten it as of late.
I'm sure that has something to do with the fact that I spent 4 months trying to forget anything that had to do with worship music or playing my violin.
Do I have an unfilled violin-shaped hole in my soul right now?
Probably.
Most definitely.

I have found that I can extend my hand to my Father as I sit on my couch--listening to the beautiful music play and Matt Redman's voice singing the lyrics to this song. All the while, I imagine myself, violin in hand, playing away and swaying with the beat.

I can hear each note I play so....very....clearly. It's as if I never stopped. I invision the rest of the worship team making the most beautiful music I've ever heard, praying it reaches His ears.

And it's almost as if the violin had become an extension of my arm. Or my heart. Take your pick.

~What are you teaching me, Abba? Why does it seem that there's always pain in the offering?

When ALL is said and done, I am His. Pure, plain and simple.

That's what I've been trying to say lately--how in the world it gets muddled up in feelings of frustration and irritation, I'll never understand. That's a question I'll have to save for when I come face to face with Him, I guess.
I'm not mad at the "church." I don't judge anyone for what they do with their spiritual lives. I am so very proud of the Christ followers I have the privilege of being friends with.
Truly.
God has such an amazing way of crafting beautiful souls.

When ALL is said and done, though, I just want to tune my life to heaven's song.

~You are truly amazing, God. Your songs are so sweet to my ears, and I just hope the violin is as sweet to yours when I play it. Someday, I want to be able to play it at your feet.

____________________________________________________________

I'm going to go there for a minute, for He's bringing revelation to me as I type....

About 4 years ago, my special violin (a one-of-a-kind made in Africa that my parents bought me as a gift) was crushed--literally.
Basically what happened was I left it out in the night--just sitting in an open case on the floor. My sweet husband, who got up super early to get ready for work, didn't see it in the floor. He accidentally tripped over it, fell on it, and crushed it.
I was so brokenhearted. How in the world could I play now?? What will people think when I tell them that I was so irresponsible with something that expensive and precious?
I was ashamed. Lost. Confused...

My only option was to pull out the phone book and pray that someone, somewhere, could put this piece of fragmented wood back together to resemble something I once knew. I had, however, come to grips with the fact that it might not ever be fixed and I'd have to trash it.

Much to my surprise, there happened to be such a person here in town. For almost nothing, he slaved over my violin for weeks, even adding new touches to it.
When I walked into his shop to see the finished product, my breath was taken away.
I stood there amazed at what this man had done for me. Even though my violin had permanent scars, it was more beautiful than before. It somehow had a much sweeter sound now, too.

This is me. I am that violin.
I was crushed under the weight of my circumstances, damaged almost beyond repair. I was temporarily useless---I was forced to wait until the Master Craftsman could finish His work on me.
I may now bear the scars, but I pray my sound is sweeter. I am, once again, useful. I owe it all to the Master Craftsman.
I WILL go on to make beautiful music.

~I can't do this by myself. You're Christ in me, my only hope. My only hope.

Take Me Up On It

A follow up to my last post is what you would call this, I guess.

It's been stirring in my heart, mind, and spirit lately to move forward and not continuously bog myself down in the past. I know that not everyone will agree with my point of view on the religious system and "church" of the day, but that's fine in itself. Basically it's whatever floats your boat.

I love...outright LOVE...being around other Christians. That's why any chance we get to volunteer with a ministry is something we jump at. After all, your walk should definitely include other Christians--and non-Christians for that matter.
We are not perfect, nor could we ever be.
I'm certainly nowhere near it.
I think what has saddened me the most is that I wanted change--the kind of change that shakes the world. I wanted--and STILL want--to see a movement of Christ so large that it overwhelms the gates of hell and rattles the snot out of the demons.
Even the demons know Christ--they admitted that in the Bible. Knowing the name, knowing its power, and actually allowing the Holy Spirit to give you that same power is something different though. You can know a name, but until you use it, it's useless.
Please tell me that made sense.
I am not looking for spiritual seclusion. Quite the opposite in fact. I WANT other Christians around me. I want to worship our Father with the same heart, eyes, mind, and grace that my friends possess. I just don't want any of the religious bondage that can sometimes accompany it.
It's fine not to believe me in this. After all, I was where you are about 4 months ago.
I was furious at the thought of not dressing in my finest, sporting a sweet violin, and singing some hallelujahs to the King.
Seriously, it was gut wrenching.

I can't say that I feel that way now. I aim to move forward and find a better way to glorify Him. Don't know how that's going to happen yet. I understand that not everyone is ready to make a jump like that--for it's kind of like taking a walk off of a cliff. Very scary and unpredictable.
I had to ask myself when I jumped from my cliff, "Is He going to catch me? Am I somehow going to sprout wings and fly on my own? Am I going to perish?"

Is it about titles, my friends? Must we be deacons, elders, teachers, paid ministers--to spread His Word? Must we??

Come to my home someday. And it doesn't even have to be a Sunday. Have a seat and let me pour you some hot tea and serve you a brownie or two. If you forgot your Bible, that's totally okay. You may not even need it, but if you do, I have spares. Let's laugh together, cry together, love one another. You tell me your needs, and I'll tell you mine. If you stay all day and night, that's 100% acceptable.
Call me up any time of day or night. I'm there to listen, for I care deeply about you and want only what He wants for your life. Let me whisper sweet words of the Father to your ear while you soak them up. You do the same for me if you felt led to do so. Let us, as a unified body, comfort those who mourn, feed those who are hungry, heal the sick, minister to the unsaved and forgotten, love on the children, and show them the path of righteousness.

Why put our God in a box and only allow Him out on Sunday mornings or Wednesday nights? Let Him be free to move amongst His people 24/7, 365 days a year. He's not a fast food joint, drive-thru, or an overpriced uninviting restaurant. He is 100% power 100% of the time. He hears you even when you don't speak a word. He created a God-shaped hole in your soul that only He can fill.

Let us do this T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R, my friends. I want what He wants, and I know you do too. Feel the freedom of letting go of your "norm." You might just find that it opens a whole new world up at your feet.

We all remember the story of Martha and Mary, right? Jesus came to visit, and Martha was too busy--too overwhelmed with the chores and preparing things for Him that she wouldn't take the time to sit at His feet and listen. Mary, on the other hand, basked in His glory and soaked up every single second of Jesus' time with them. She wanted more, and she was willing to give up what she was "supposed" to be doing in order to receive what He had for her.
Don't be too pre-occupied with plans, events, speeches, etc. to see what He has in store for your life. His words don't always have to come from a preacher's mouth. Instead, be on the lookout for Christ in everyday people. Don't be afraid to step away, sit down, and listen to Him.

And please take me up on the offer sometime. I'd love the company, and I KNOW God has a word for you when you are prepared to listen.

Let Me Ask You This:

~If you had a chance to make a significant change in the way things have "always been done," would you take it? Would you step out of your comfort zone, truly--honestly forget what people think, understand what it means to have faith, and JUST DO IT.....seriously now, would you?

Since stepping away from the religious system, sitting back and watching has opened my eyes tremendously. It's amazing what I've missed all this time.

I am, and will ALWAYS be, a Christ follower. I want nothing more....NOTHING MORE....than to be His. I want others to be His as well.
This earth is not my home. I am just passing through.
I want to know what it feels like to truly experience the love of the Father, understand 100% the magnitude of the Son's sacrifice, and be filled to the complete brim with the Holy Spirit. I want to be guided, directed, used, and...and...much more.
How I long to someday see my Father's face and sing with the angels.
I am completely sold out to His Will for my life, and I want others to fully experience that for themselves.

After seeing the religious system rise once again---a group of people go right back in to bondage when given a chance to come out--I am saddened. It feels like I'm watching a re-run of the children of Israel. They had to go around the long hard way to get to the Promised Land.

Why is it so hard? Why do we let our flesh win??

John and I had a chance--a choice. We could: A) stay with the "herd" and pretend that we were making changes or that the body of believers we were associated with was actually heading in a new direction, or B) get out while the gettin' was good.

I didn't realize how tied down we truly were. I was bound by anger, unnecessary emotional ties, religious bondage, etc. As painful as it was to rid myself of it all, now I see that it was worth it. We took the step out on the water---we moved in faith, believing that we would conquer new lands for Him and be able to somehow free other Christ followers from a lifetime of bondage to a hierarchy, programs, and rehearsed music/speeches.

That is NOT what Christianity is about, folks. It's not about the big Sunday performances, the sermons, the worship music that "supposedly" ushers in the Holy Spirit to a building.
Why does it always resort to that? Far be it for Him to show up in your home--to hover over you while you sleep--to sing and dance over you 24/7.
Far be it...

To say that I'm frustrated with the falling back in of our "church" of believers into the religious system is a huge understatement. I expected more, yet somehow knew it would not happen. I wanted to be proven wrong--shown that time would, indeed, soften hearts and reshape minds.

Didn't happen. Yet.

The Motions

I want to use verses of an amazing song by Matthew West to give you a peek into what I've been going through recently. It's his song entitled, "The Motions." Not only is it beautifully sung, but it touches me deeply. I totally get it now, but it wasn't always that way.

"This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change"...

~Those words echo through my mind at least 100 times a day. Literally. When my husband decided almost 3 months ago that he no longer wanted our family to be knee-deep in the religious system, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I'm not going to sugar coat it--it HURT. I had all along assumed that I would forever be serving in a church building. Whether that be playing my violin with the worship team, teaching sweet little ones upstairs in the childrens' church area, or serving lunch to the homeless in a park downtown...I just thought I had it all mapped out perfectly.
I was raised in church. We dressed in our finest, attended a service every Sunday morning and Wednesday night, and it was just part of living.
It was almost as if I expected not to live anymore. My heart hurt and I was angry. Somehow, though, I knew we needed a change.

"I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something"...

~Truth be told, I DID care if I was broken. After all, I'm a sensitive woman. I did care what others thought about the decisions being made. Who were we to think we were better than others? How is it that our family felt it necessary to exit the church building but still consider ourselves part of the church? Is that even possible??
I had no answers. My heart was broken, and I cried thousands of tears. Disagreements erupted, the children were confused, and I had had it. I wanted to go back on Sunday mornings with every fiber of my being. Meanwhile, my sweet husband was becoming someone I did not understand--or even care to understand at this point. He simply told me that the Holy Spirit was moving inside of him and he could not fully explain what all was happening. He just knew in his being that staying in the religious system (a church building with a hierarchy, planned out worship/sermon time, etc) was no longer for him--or his family. He wanted more. He wanted ME to want more with him.

"Cause just okay is not enough,
Help me fight through the nothingness of life"...

~"Okay" was definitely not enough. John wanted more of the Holy Spirit and less of the world. He did not want to leave others behind (so to speak), but he just did not feel comfortable talking one way and walking another. His studies of the church of Acts and some of Paul's teachings led him down a path that was so different than anything he had experienced thus far.
Mind you, I was somewhere in between. "Just okay" was not enough for me either, but I was searching elsewhere. All the while my identity was tied up in being a part of the worship team, praying over those who showed up to the church building and thinking that it was a move of great power, and just being oblivious to the obvious. The Lord was going to get my attention one way or the other. Sometimes it's painful.

"Cause I don't wanna go through the motions,
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all consuming passion inside of me.
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
'What if I had given everything
instead of going through the motions?'"...

~John no longer wanted to go through the motions. He was fed up and tired. He just wanted his spirit to be completely consumed by the Holy Spirit, no matter what the cost. John was finished just going through the motions like a good little Christian should.
More.
He just wanted MORE.
Then it became contagious.
Once we sat down and had a nice long heart-to-heart talk about what our faith was putting our family through, it all made sense. The parts of me that missed the relationships/friendships was put at ease.
My heart and spirit could finally be at peace.
I was finally at a place where, not only did I understand, love, and respect my husband, I wanted more for myself as well. I was willing to give EVERYTHING for my Father, no matter what the cost.
Let me tell you though, it felt like He was asking for a lot from me.
I used to accuse my Father of taking away friends, family, violin playing...you name it and I was bitter about losing it. However, what John and I have found since then makes up for what I laid down 100%.
It's bittersweet....you must take up your cross and follow Him daily.
It's definitely not comfortable, and there is no exact formula for success.
You do what He asks WHEN He asks, and not a moment later.
Take the time to just be at peace with His gentle hand guiding you, and you will be amazed at what happens.

Do not get caught up in the motions. If leaving a church building, like we did, shows you the right path, then do not be afraid to step out in faith. It may seem strange. It may really hurt. But you know what? Abba is there, and if it is from Him, all things will be made right.
I just want what He wants. Nothing more, nothing less.
But I certainly no longer just want to go through the motions of the religious system.
Gone are those days...

Yup

Yup.
It's been waaaaaay too long since I've posted on this blog.
Why, you ask?
Simple.

I made this blog private about 3 months ago, simply because I was going through personal spiritual turmoil and didn't want to have to put it all in to words that others could read and use against me. It's back to being public again, just in case you didn't get the memo.

And I was being lazy. *Ahem*

Anywho, I'm back and ready to start keeping up again. Did I mention I have another blog to keep up with as well? I use it mainly to show off my family, so this blog is great for other things.

Something I've dealt with in the past--and interestingly enough has been coming up more and more lately--is the subject of submission. I'm talking about submission to authorities, my husband, etc.
You get the picture, I hope.
I will try to put my thoughts into blog-friendly-and-readable form here soon, so don't think I'm just cutting it off there. Seriously folks, there is a ton I could write about what I've experienced and learned on the subject of submission. I can't wait to share it all, in fact.

That amongst a million other things.

Like when God keeps planting things into my spirit that I refuse to water....
Or like when verses come to mind that I can't get rid of...
And when prayer alone isn't cutting it...

Oh, the interesting posts that are to come!
If you are still a reader of my blog, thanks in advance for being patient.
If there's really no one on the other side of this screen and I am just typing for my own purpose of release, that's cool too.
I'll be back soon.
Yup.