Turn Off The Lights

Wednesday night lifegroup has always been both fun and challenging for me. I find that my toes get stepped on more often than not, but it's a good thing.
Kinda like tonight.
The topic we are studying is "Our Shield of Faith." Pretty self explanatory--basically, it's about learning how to fight in the spiritual realm. What a concept huh.
Anyway, we were discussing strongholds and how they are basically just false ideas. I'll give you an example--a young lady shared that she has an unhealthy fear of being attacked by a shark when she goes to the ocean. Her fear is so huge that she has even transferred it to her 2 young daughters. She has them as well as herself convinced that if they go swimming in the ocean, they will most certainly be mangled. She is so bound by that fear--a stronghold--that she doesn't know how to get past it. In reality, there's a greater chance of being in a car wreck on the way to take her daughters to school than there ever is of being attacked by a shark.
As I listened to the teaching about faith, fear, and strongholds, I began to identify some in my life.
Example 1:
When I was growing up, my father was a police officer (still is). My parents taught me from a young age to respect guns, but more importantly to stay far, far away from them. I was to NEVER touch my father's gun, play with guns, pick one up at a friend's house...you get the picture. I never held a gun or shot one until I was 4-5 years into my marriage. My mother (great role model and teacher that she was/is) made sure that I didn't put myself in harm's way, but at the same time, she instilled a huge fear of guns in me. I think that it was instilled in her (similar to the young woman's story from group tonight) and she knew no other way of getting her point across. I see it in my childrens' lives as well--Mimi makes it a big point for them to stay as far away as humanly possible from all guns. While I completely understand and agree with the safety factor being taught here, I also see it as a stronghold. After marrying John, who is a big hunter and fan of guns, I found that they really were not as horrible as they had been made out to be. John will allow our 2 older children to sit with him while he cleans his guns (unloaded and on safety of course), and our oldest daughter hunts deer with him. He makes it a time of learning, not of instilling fear. He wants our children (and me) to become comfortable and aware of the power of guns, but he doesn't want us to have an unhealthy fear of them.
Example 2:
About 2 years into our marriage, I began to develop a fear of being alone at night. John is a firefighter, and at the time he worked 24 hour shifts--24hrs. on, 24hrs. off--which left me and our daughter at home by ourselves. The fear didn't creep in until one night our house alarm went off at 1am for no apparent reason. The alarm company had no record of it going off, but they sent the cops out anyway when I called them. Weird situation huh. Anyway, I remember being so gripped with fear that night that I ran into the closet, found John's handgun, cocked it back, and then watched the bullet fall out of the chamber. See...if I would have KNOWN how to hold/shoot a gun, I wouldn't have accidentally lost the ammunition out of it. It's a snowball effect, I tell you. Ha! So, when the cops showed up and made sure all was well in my house, I went back to bed, but I didn't go back to sleep.
The sad thing was that this same alarm system sounded in the wee hours of the morning AGAIN about 3 months later. Again, the alarm company had no record that it had gone off, and there was no burglarer. Fear was allowed to build up a stronghold in my mind at that point. I would cringe every time John had to go to work, and I knew I would not be getting much sleep that night without him there.
When we moved to our current location and John became an officer at the fire department, it meant no more overnight stays--or so I thought. He occasionally takes overtime 24hr. shifts, so I do still sleep by myself from time to time.
Why am I telling you all of this, and how does it all piece together? Follow me here....
When we were talking about strongholds in lifegroup tonight, the light came on in my mind. I realized, for the first time in my adult life, that I had allowed strongholds to build up about guns and burglarers. I had an unhealthy fear of shooting myself, my children shooting themselves, or being robbed/assaulted while John was away and unable to protect me. I had actually put all of my faith in my husband, which is not his burden to bear. Instead, I needed to REALLY rely on my Father and His amazing ability to protect me and my family.
Here is my plan of action: I refuse to be afraid of the dark...at night...when I'm all alone. I refuse to let the fear of guns or threat of injury from them keep me bound....I will not put the burden of complete protection on my husband. I will spend some time with Him tonight--just me and Him--alone---in the dark of my bedroom--without fear. I am turning the lights out on those strongholds, and I am never allowing them access to my mind again. I will put up my shield of faith every morning, and I will make sure that my children know who their Protector is, and I will make sure I don't pass down any unhealthy views of this world.
Goodnight.

Walkin' In It

You know what? Things are rolling along very smoothly around here. The past 6 months have been very trying, and even though I've shared a few struggles on this blog with those of you out in bloggerland, I haven't by any means told everything. I believe that some struggles are meant to stay within one's family--or even within one's self. There's nothing wrong with being an open book, but sometimes my chapters are not for others to understand.
Even though I've had some disappointments recently, the good waaaaay outweighs the bad. I just hate it that I've wallowed in self pity, but then again I'm not perfect.
I actually enjoy reading other bloggers' laments--it reminds me that I'm not alone in this crazy world.
Spiritually speaking, I'm in a very easygoing place. I am totally at peace with our house situation---and yes, it has taken the entire 6 months it has been on the market for me to TRULY feel that way. I know I've said I was at peace with it before, but I was secretly holding on to frustration, anger, guilt, and much more.
I do tend to hang on to things---I call it stewing over the situation. I'm sure no one else does that. :)
Anyway, being at peace about it is a beautiful thing. I know He has amazing plans to someday present the couple to us that will own this house. Like I said in my previous post, I don't want the control of the situation back. He can keep it.
I also know that I can dwell on the negative, even though I've been taught to work through that. It's when I'm alone---in the dark---in the middle of the night. I begin to worry and think that He really can't hear me. I even get frightened that something might happen to me or my family.
Obviously that's not of Him, and I've learned to shoot it down quickly. Really taking the time to count my blessings, pray for those who are not functioning at 100% (due to illness, sin, fear, worry, etc.), asking God to bless my family and friends, giving extra grace to those who might need it today (heaven knows I need extra grace constantly), and reading His Word have really strengthened my spirit man as well as my physical man.
There is a song that I used to sing in church (I was raised Baptist) that just came to mind. I remember thinking when I was small that this was the best song I'd ever sung. Now that I am older, I appreciate it that much more. Here are the lyrics--the first paragraph is the chorus, and the following paragraphs are the verses. Maybe you've heard it?

Count Your Blessings

(CHORUS)
Count your blessings
Name them one by one
Count your blessings
See what God has done
Count your blessings
Name them one by one
Count your many blessings
See what God has done

(VERSES)
When upon life's billows
You are tempest tossed
When you are discouraged
Thinking all is lost
Count your many blessings
Name them one by one
And it will surprise you
What the Lord has done

Are you ever burdened
With a load of care
Does the cross seem heavy
You are called to bear
Count your many blessings
Every doubt will fly
And you will be singing
As the days go by

When you look at others
With their lands and gold
Think that Christ has promised
You His wealth untold
Count your many blessings
Money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven
Nor your home on high

So, amid the conflict
Whether great or small
Do not be discouraged
God is over all
Count your many blessings
Angels will attend
Help and comfort give you
To your journey's end

Let those words sink into your soul and really soak them up. After all, when life throws stuff at us that we just think we will crumble underneath, remember that He has already done so much for us--much more than we could ever repay. Of course He wants us to walk in His love and reap the benefits of being one of His children. I know I can never again look at my life and think that I have not been blessed. I'm gonna walk in all of the wonderful glory He has set aside for me.

Walk in it today.
It's a beautiful thing.

Unanswered Questions

Today was not a glorious day for me. For the first time in ages, I felt the weight of the world pressing down on my shoulders. Every inch of my brain/mind hurt as I tried to wrap it around not only my current situations, but that of the entire nation. How is it that things got so bad so quickly for Americans? What is truly the "American Dream," and are we all still chasing it?
I'm not going to point fingers at a political party, curse the current President, or burn my bras and join an anti-war protest. I simply wanted answers today, and even though I think I got some, I feel as if there will be others that are never answered.
I have had to remove myself from certain blogs lately. Even though the authors of these blogs have amazing and gut-wrenching stories, I couldn't bear to read another word. One thing these blogs have in common is that the authors have lost children, most of whom died shortly after birth. Another common thread is that all of the authors are Christians who have fought valiantly for the childrens' lives.
How is that fair, Father? How is it that I have 3 beautiful, precious, amazing children laying in their beds upstairs, and these women are crying themselves to sleep every night tormented by the fact that their cribs are empty but they are forever scarred from a c-section. How is that fair--I WANT to know.
*sigh*

I fully understand that our economic situation is looking bad (to say the least), but who is ultimately responsible for this disaster? There aren't answers. At least none that put my mind and heart at ease. Not that the sale of this house rests solely upon the economic situation (for God can do mighty things in the midst of turmoil), but it certainly doesn't help the cause. As a Christian, I guess it's just a test of faith---to see whether or not I have the guts to knock and keep on knocking--seek and keep on seeking....

On a daily basis, I struggle to comprehend some of the things He does in my life. I also have a hard time sometimes decifering if He's teaching me a lesson, working on building my faith, or just building the bigger picture one strange puzzle piece at a time. Don't get me wrong--I am not discouraged. Just....I don't know....uncomfortable.

Maybe that's where He wants me--in that strange uncomfortable zone. Whatever the outcome of this world, at least I am guaranteed an ending that is glorious beyond comprehension.
For now, I will knock and keep on knocking....you get the idea.
I will also remind myself that I gave the control to Him along time ago, and I don't want it back, no matter how hard it is to restrain myself at times. I don't want it back.

Going There

I have been convicted about the fact that I hide things--things that should be put out in the open for others to know about. So, yes---I'm going to go there now.
Miracles and healings DO still happen, I'm convinced. When Jesus left, he sent the Spirit in his place. He didn't leave and take all of the good things with him--instead, he has put it within us to continue on His work until He comes back. That's why I believe it. It also helps that I've been a witness to it.
I'll talk about just one instance right now, and I'll save the others for another post. That way we don't all feel bogged down and find ourselves sitting here writing/reading for hours. :)
Here is the instance:
For those of you who don't know my family personally, I'll give a tiny bit of background on what we are dealing with. Our 4 year old son, Christian, has had mild health issues most of his life. The doctors have never pinned down just what causes things, so we just go along with it. His main problem is swollen tonsils/adenoids. They stay huge 24/7 and he snores horribly, but when he gets sick, the swell up so large that you literally cannot see down his throat. I'm sure we have 7-8 documented cases of strep throat and/or tonsilitis, but our pediatrician has decided not to send us to an ENT just yet. We went back this past Monday because Christian was running fever and had a horrible rash. The diagnosis was Scarlet Fever. The pediatrician decided to try a different route--again, trying to avoid an appointment with an ENT. He put Christian on 2 types of steroids and Zyrtec for 5 days, and then he wants to recheck him to see if there is any change. Meanwhile, I went ahead and made an appointment with an ENT, just because my "momma gut" was telling me to do so. I basically want a 2nd opinion, just to put my mind at ease.
All of that being said, we can fast forward to last night. Christian's night time breathing hadn't improved a whole lot since Monday, so my husband had an idea as to how to expose him to prayer and worship music even while he sleeps. My husband downloaded some songs off of the internet--they are songs by a group that calls themselves the Prophetic Assault Team, and we've listened to them before...very powerful--and burned them onto a cd to play in Christian's cd player while he sleeps. Mind you, Christian is used to music at night, but it's always been instrumental lullabies.
Ok, so around 9pm last night, my husband went into our son's room and switched out the cd's, replacing the lullabies with the worship music. We then took showers, shut off the lights, and headed to bed. Around 11pm, as we laid in the dark praying, we heard Christian knocking on his bedroom door. My husband got up and found him standing in his room with the light on. Christian's complaint was that the music was turned up too loud, and also that it wasn't his "normal" music...he was quick to point out that there were people singing instead of the instrumental stuff he's used to. My husband turned down the cd player, and Christian was content with that---he laid right down again. My husband came back to bed, and all was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then.....
We heard Christian's sweet voice in our room, although he sounded a bit nervous.
"Daddy, the wind was blowing so loud in my room that it hurt my ears. And, my cd player is too loud again. Can I come sleep with you? That wind was so loud."
We just sat there, not really knowing what to say. I asked Christian to repeat what he had just said, and he did so--word for word.
My mind was filled with amazement and excitement!
My husband got up and took him back into his bedroom. Get this--the cd player had, indeed, been turned back up!!! Not by human hands of course. Christian wasn't scared. I believe he was in shock. After all, no 4 year old boy makes that kind of stuff up, especially since he was already awake--that's how I know it wasn't a dream either. My husband turned the cd player back down and left his bedroom door open, just in case he needed something again. After he returned to bed, we just laid there in the dark looking at the ceiling. A warm, amazingly comforting feeling flooded the room, and I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
I know in my knower that it was the Holy Spirit blowing through Christian's room. How am I sure of that? Well, when we got up this morning and checked on him, his breathing was perfect--no snoring or gasping like what is the norm for him.
God is doing a mighty, mighty work in Christian's little life and body. I was told to share this with the world, however possible. If it is the least bit encouraging to you, then I'm satisfied. Others may think it's a crock, but I assure you, it was NOT made up. I will update with anything that comes along further down the road with this situation, but I can rest assured that He is mightier than any illness, and He still moves among His people--like a mighty wind!

Here is an example from the Bible where disciples witnessed the Spirit in wind form:
"Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. " Acts 2:2-4

Just Do It

I had one of the coolest experiences in the past few weeks that I've ever had. God has been teaching me through songs, words from others, and instances that can't be explained.
Most of you know the story of Balaam--pronounced Bay-lum (Numbers 22-25). He was the prophet that was disobeying God, and God made his donkey speak to warn him of the angel that was set before Balaam to kill him. If that doesn't ring a bell, then please read the above chapters. I admit that I had to go back and really read those chapters just to gain understanding of what it was my Father was trying to tell me.
Remember my previous post where I said God has a thing with 3's in my life? Well, this is one of those instances. Here's how it all came together:
John and I were discussing our current housing situation--the fact that we are still trying to sell this house, and the house on Imperial that we had really wanted and were believing in went under contract (that's another post for another time)--and I casually mentioned a cat that has been sitting in the driveway of the Imperial house every time I drive by. The reason I was intrigued by the cat is because the house is vacant and has been since February. I was wondering if the cat had some significance, so I asked John if he believed that God uses animals--and if they are sensitive to the Spirit like humans are.
John's comment was, "Well, look at Balaam and his donkey in the Bible. God certainly used an animal in that situation." I made a mental note of that comment, and we continued on with our discussion. Balaam was planted in the back of my mind from that moment on.
The following day, I was visiting a dear friend at her house. We were having coffee and watching our little ones play on the floor, when I decided to tell her about the fact that house we had wanted was no longer for sale. For some reason, I casually asked her if she believed in animals being sensitive to the Spirit---this is kind of an opening question so I could relay the cat story to her as well. Her response was, "Yeah. Remember the story of Balaam?"
Wow! There was that name again! I put that second reference to him in my mental file box. I knew at this point that there was a reason his name was coming up in conversation.
Ok, so fast forward about 4 days. I was at worship practice, and we were all yakking it up on the stage after playing a song--sort of a break between songs to figure out some sound issues. For some reason (and I'm still not certain how in the world it came up), the worship leader turned around to me and said the name Balaam. It freaked me out completely. I told him that I had heard that name 2 other times this week and it was so weird that he said it. His comment was, "Well, I guess you need to go back and read that story again to see what God is trying to tell you." He was totally right.
That night, I went home and got out the laptop to read the story from esword (www.e-sword.net if you are interested in downloading it). I recommend it! Anyway, I read it---I re-read it---I read it another 2 times---and I still had no answer as to why God was pointing this man out to me. Balaam wasn't really the best prophet on the planet. Basically, King Balak summoned Balaam and wanted him to curse the Israelites, promising him money and a high position. God told him not to go. Eventually Balaam gave in to Balak's requests, saddled up his donkey, and was heading out to Balak's land when an angel of the Lord appeared in his path to stop him from going. Balaam couldn't see the angel, but his donkey could. The donkey tried to avoid the angel (who was sent to kill Balaam with a sword for his disobedience to the Lord), but each time the donkey tried to move or go a different direction, Balaam punished him. Finally, after the 3rd time of the donkey trying to avoid the angel (there it is with the number 3 again!), the Lord opened the donkey's mouth and she spoke to Balaam. Here is how it happened:
"When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD, she lay down under Balaam, and he was angry and beat her with his staff. Then the LORD opened the donkey's mouth, and she said to Balaam, "What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?" Balaam answered the donkey, "You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now." The donkey said to Balaam, "Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?"
"No," he said.
Then the LORD opened Balaam's eyes, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the road with his sword drawn. So he bowed low and fell facedown."
Numbers 22:27-31
I could not, for the life of me, figure out what that had to do with me. Was I being disobedient? Was the cat going to open it's mouth and talk to me, telling me that I was wrong about something? Was I going to be punished? All of these thoughts kept swirling in my mind. I went to bed frustrated and confused.
As I laid there in the darkness, I asked God to open my mind and explain a little better just what it was He was trying to relay to me. He brought my thoughts back to a different part of Balaam's story. I then realized it wasn't about the donkey at all. It had nothing to do with that part--He took me to the end of the story instead.
Eventually, Balaam realized the error of his ways, and he promised God that he would only speak His words--the truth--and not curse the Israelites. Balaam realized that the money and promotion was not worth losing his relationship with the Father. So, when Balak comes back and presents his requests to Balaam again, Balaam speaks only what God tells him to, even though it eventually cost him his life. You can read about that in Numbers chapter 25.
Anyway, THAT was what God was getting at when he brought Balaam to my mind. The lesson was:
There will be times of trial. The world will try to get me to do things a different way than what I know is right. I cannot give in to the world's requests. Instead, I must promise God to always speak what it is He tells me, and not have a fear of what the world will think or say. It may cost me, but it will all be worth it in the end. I must shed the coat of embarrassment and just do what He says.
It will forever amaze me how He can speak through people in my life, as well as through stories in the Bible. That is proof enough for me that His Word is true and alive, still to this day. From now on, I will not be ashamed of Him, and I will speak the truth.

Sides

I hate to take sides.
That being my main statement for the evening, I shall elaborate.
Taking sides has always made me uncomfortable. I remember as far back as elementary school--trying to make the decision as to who's side to be on in a crummy little tiff between girls. It's always a question of who is right and who is wrong, and I despise having to make that choice. Of course there are going to be times in life when it's necessary to take sides, but it's still painful.
Take the current economic situation for example. Sure, it's easy to nestle in my comfy chair that sits inside my wonderful home and say what I think regarding the decisions our President and the goverment are making.
I won't share those thoughts here, for this is not the time or the place.
The one thing I have learned is that if I position myself in the middle ground and take a look at both sides equally, I'm bound to find the truth in all of it. After all, that is what I seek--the truth.
I desperately want everyone in this world to get along, but I know as well as the next person that that isn't reality. Ultimately, there has to be responsibility placed on someone's shoulders, but who am I to decide that when it is outside of my realm. I recognize my authority here in my household and with my children (and of course there is my spiritual authority), but I can't have my way in every day-to-day situation that comes up. I choose to accept the fact that I can't micro manage the world around me, so I have to allow others to help with that. I can take responsibility for MY actions and just try to see things from a neutral perspective. I can't have higher than normal expectations of others either, for we are all human and subject to fall.
Taking sides is more than a game of who is right and who is wrong. I do not take it lightly when I have to align myself with a certain side, so I choose to do one thing---seek the truth.
The truth shall set you free.

Give Me Your Eyes

We've all heard the saying--"never judge a book by its cover"--probably 1,000 times or more in our lives. Why is it, though, that it's such a hard concept to remember? It is for me at least. Too often I find myself taking things at face value and allowing my emotional side to control how I feel about a person or situation. I judge before I know the full story.
For example:
A couple that John and I know have asked favors of us lately that really have left me frustrated. I enjoy helping others--seriously, it's what I am passionate about--but there comes a point when you can feel taken advantage of or just flat out grumpy about it. That was where I found myself today. I am a creature of habit, and when my routine is changed up without much notice it can set me off like no other.

I know, not the best "Christian attitude" to have huh. He's teaching me that.

Anyway, after talking with the wife, I was taken back by just how intense of a situation she and her husband are in. I had felt mad for the tiny bit of inconvenience they had put me through (and I mean TINY folks) and then she tells me things that I was blown away by. I was so quick to judge and let those silly emotions of anger and irritation creep in without warrant. When she asked me to pray for them, what I really wanted to do was hang my head in shame, creep to the car, and bawl the whole way home out of complete embarrassment and guilt.

Forgiveness and grace are beautiful things. It's time I start handing them out as often as I wish to receive them.

At first glance, it's almost completely impossible to know everything about any given situation. You must build relationships, love on others, dig deeper when given the opportunity, and just extend the love of the Father at all times, regardless of how much it gets you out of your comfort zone. As embarrassed as I am to type this, I actually called up another good friend of mine this morning to complain and comment on how I guess I'm "doing my Christian duties for the day."

Apparently, I have viewed God's work as too big of hassle lately.
Sheesh. That's rough.

There is a song that plays on the radio that has amazing lyrics (yes, it seems He is speaking to me through songs lately). I have come to really embrace this song and make it a prayer every morning. Whether a song has a catchy beat, lovely tune, or whatever---it's still from someone's heart and probably originated from a struggle within themselves. Read over these lyrics. Let them sink in deep, and remember to "never judge a book by its cover."

"Give me Your eyes for just one second,
Give me Your eyes so I can see,
Everything that I keep missin',
Give me Your love for humanity.

Give me Your arms for the brokenhearted,
The ones that are far beyond my reach,
Give me Your heart for the once forgotten,
Give me Your eyes so I can see."
--Brandon Heath, "Give Me Your Eyes"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OihvG607W-c